This is the first in series of posts about different types of relationships - co-dependent, independent and interdependent relationships. I hope you'll recognise yourself in all of them, possibly you'll identify with one of them more than the others, but my feeling is we all oscillate between them all.

I was reading the papers on the weekend, rushing to Sally Brampton's advice column in the Sunday Times...as usual and her column this week really struck a chord with me. The relationship that's described sounds so destructive and hurtful, and as usual I thought Sally's advice was great (you can read it here). But it did get me thinking about ways of relating to others in our lives.

We'll start with co-dependency, otherwise known as caretakers. Caretakers operate from the belief that they are responsible for others feelings, they think that when they do things right, the other person will be happy and then they'll get the approval and happiness they crave. Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants in order to meet the wants and needs of others, frequently when the other is perfectly capable of doing it for themselves and never even asked for the help. Caretakers give to others from a place of fear rather than love - they give to get.

Caretakers do not take responsibility for their own feelings, they attempt to have control over getting other people's approval in covert, subtle ways such as compliance, doing too much for other and/or withholding their opinions and wants. I hope it's becoming obvious that this sort of martyr complex results in feelings of resentment, anger, feeling unappreciated, unseen, unloved and ignored.

If this way of relating to a significant other in your life...and it doesn't have to be with a boyfriend, it can be with a close friend, it's because you're expecting the other person to take responsibility for your feelings, you're asking them to meet a need you're not able to meet for yourself. When you're not seeing, acknowledging or valuing yourself and when you're not attending to your own wants and needs, you'll end up feeling upset when other people treat you the way you're treating yourself.

How to heal this? It's a process of learning to take responsibility for your feelings for yourself. Throw a metaphorical pebble at any one of my clients and they'll tell you how annoying I am at getting them to say "I feel..." instead of "you feel...". The former is about taking responsibility for your feelings, the latter is making it general as if the whole world feels that way rather just you.

Taking 100% responsibility for your feelings is one of the essential ingredients for successful relationships. It means being conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what it is you do that creates the resulting feelings and emotions, instead of being a victim and believing that other people cause your feeling. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to rifts - does this sound familiar - "you make me feel neglected when you go to the pub with your mates!". Rephrasing it to "when you go to the pub, I feel neglected" is very different.

Here are some resources that might help if any of what I've said in this post resonates with you (yes, some of these are affiliate links. Being a therapist doesn't exempt you from having to pay bills...sadly. However, please be reassured that I only recommend stuff I think is worth the financial investment)

• Co-Dependents Anonymous - Oh yes, a twelve step programme, Check out their website for more resources and info on co-dependent relationships
• How to be an Existentialist by Gary Cox - get it here. I've given this book the big up before. It's just the mut's nuts in my humble opinion!
• Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap - a very hopeful book which sets co-dependency within the context of development and attachment theory, get it here
• Codependent No More - weird cover that makes it look like a loo cleaning product, possibly a bit too gushy/American/higher power for some UK readers but it is a great book if you can get past that. It consistently gets great reviews, get it here

Finally, counselling can really help with this, getting insight into how you are in the world can be like seeing the wood for the trees...a more objective, outsider view can really help. You know where I am, I'm here.