There’s a joke in this post!

Right, let’s get started - this type of relationship can feel a bit whatever…as in you feel like your partner is a “whatever” towards you. At the extreme end of the spectrum this type of relationship is our old friend commitment phobia. When asked what it feels like to be in a relationship, independent types will say it feels like being stuck or trapped or that they feel out of control.

The most common “symptoms”, I don’t like that word, how about traits…the most common traits of someone who’s into an independent way of relating to others in their lives, particularly important people look a bit like this:

• Criticism of their partner – pretty straight forward that one
• Hurting or upsetting their partner – often this can seem like sabotage
• Seeming scared of getting notice – getting noticed means getting involved, getting involved is frightening for them
• Setting unrealistic goals – this is often an escape technique, they might have got closer than they intended and now they’re freaking, so they justify by saying things like “if only he/she was taller…earned more money…didn’t have such a nut-nut family”
• Choosing unavailable partners – your boyfriend is married…? ALL your ex-boyfriends were married TOO? You gotta ask yourself at this stage why do you actively seek relationships with unavailable people?
• Choosing unavailable partners mark II – the long-distance relationship…don’t get me wrong, plenty of them do work but at what point are you (or they) willing to give up life in Millions-of-miles-away-ville to move to be close to your partner?
• Yo-Yo-ing Effect – What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle! Funny. But seriously, that’s what happens in the yo-yo style of relating, the independent person freaks out, leaves, starts to feel alone and empty come back…something triggers their freak-out

Something I didn’t point out in my previous post about relationships is that a lot of the time, we’re all doing a little bit of each of these things and that’s healthy. Please don’t freak out reading my shopping list of traits! Sometimes you’re going through a rough patch and, yes, if we’re being honest…you are being overly critical of your partner, or they of you. But if you or someone you love is doing a lot of these things a lot of time…well then it becomes a very painful and hurtful problem. And I honestly don’t have a quick fix answer for you (and frankly, anyone who does you should run away from. Run away from them and don’t give them any of your money). My aim with this series of posts is just to educate you about different styles of relating.

You are so welcome to email me if you’ve got questions or worries…I’d really welcome that.