Belatedly, here we are at the end of my little mini series on different types of relationships. Interdependent relationships really are the holy grail, they are about forming allies and partnerships. Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings. Not as scary as it sounds...it simply means we allow ourselves to trust someone else. Yes, they might hurt you but, as the saying goes, nothing ventured nothing gained.

When I was studying my post grad one of my tutors described an interdependent relationship. Truthfully, it was so naff it made me gag but I haven't (try as I might) been able to find a better metaphor - so here goes. An interdependent relationship is like two hands clapping. They come together and move apart but the fingers don't (or rarely) become interlaced.

Interdependent relationships aren't about two halves coming together to make a whole. They are about two whole people who come together to create a third entity within their relationship. They are relationships that, by and large, allow each person enough space to do their thing with support and encouragement from the other.

They allow for some vulnerability. Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. It is impossible to love without giving away some power. When we choose to love someone we are saying to them, often implicitly, you have some power over my happiness.

In order to live we need to be interdependent. We cannot participate in life without giving away some power over our feelings and our welfare. I am not talking here just about people. If we put money in a bank we are giving some power over our feelings and welfare to that bank (and look where that got us...maybe that was a bad example but I'm sure you'll get what I mean). If we have a car we have a dependence on it and will have feelings if something happens to it (I don't have a car, but I do have a boiler. I had A LOT of feelings about my boiler when it stopped working on Friday because I depend on it). Unless you live alone on a remote island we have to be interdependent to some extent and give some power away. The key is to be conscious in our choices and own responsibility for the consequences.

The way to healthy interdependence is to strive to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. Co-dependence, which we looked at first in this series, causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar, usually learned and laid down during childhood. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. But by cultivating interdependent relationships, we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change our patterns and learn to trust ourselves.

We must accept that we're vulnerable, that we have needs like the need to be love and be loved in return. It's not about being needy (that's co-dependent) and it's not about an attitude of "I'm an island, I don't need anyone" (that's independent/commitment phobic). What it is about is a point of tension - knowing and trusting yourself enough to move towards someone else and also letting go enough to allow them to come towards you, to admit that yes, they do have some power over your happiness but that it's OK because you trust yourself and you trust them.