Why would you lie to your therapist? Seems like a stupid thing to do doesn't it. Why, when you're paying good money, would you withhold information from them? Well, maybe you've come to therapy because you're a compulsive liar, but let's assume that the majority of clients aren't.

For a therapist, it's an honest question to grapple with...especially if you've been working with a client for a while and they suddenly mention something huge like, I don't know, their mother committed suicide when they were 15. A revelation like that can really leave the therapist reeling and although it's not a classic lie, it could be framed as lying by omission. The client isn't being intentionally untruthful.

There are a number of reasons why you may not mention something big like that to your therapist -

• It's painful or embarrassing - Discussing an issue that might be embarrassing, painful or shameful is difficult no matter who you're talking to. We're not good at talking about things that are difficult. We might have spent years avoiding talking about it and that has become an important coping strategy. Just because you've started therapy, doesn't suddenly make it easy to talk about.
• Didn't know it was important or are in denial - Is it really a lie if you don't realise it's important? An issue that you believe isn't important to the therapy, may in fact turn out to be pivotal when it's finally revealed. This may be due to a lack of insight...something therapy is designed to improve, but it may be because you're in denial, you may have convinced youself that particular thoughts about the "lie" are true when they've not, or you may not be ready to explore things from a different perspective.
• My therapist will judge me - Some therapists do judge clients for what they tell them in therapy, or dismiss their concerns or emotional responses, and that’s a reason many people hold back in baring their souls in psychotherapy. It's happened to me before with a therapist I was seeing and I terminated the contract. Some therapists don’t listen when that’s their primary responsibility. Such behavior can leave you feeling a lot worse about yourself, when therapy is intended to help you feel better about yourself. A client often will clam up and stop being truthful (“Everything’s fine!”) because they’ve learned their current therapist simply isn’t going to help them.
• Trust and rapport with your therapist - The process of developing a solid relationship with your therapist takes time and energy...on both sides. Without a strong rapport and a solid basis of trust in each other, it can be difficult to feel comfortable revealing all you could or should within your therapy. Trust has to be earned and you may well feel safer reserving some facts about yourself until you feel the trust is in place. If you don't trust your therapist, you're unlikely to share everything with your therapist in the first couple of sessions.
• Lying as a coping mechanism - Often, people learn to lie skillfully in order to avoid continued abuse or trauma. Undoing the common use of that coping mechanism will take time, even with a skilled and trusted therapist.
• It just takes time - As human, social beings, we’ve learned to wear certain masks that aren’t always easy to let drop just because we should. The therapeutic process is a messy and complex one. Both you and your therapist must take the time and make the effort to seek the truth. For some people, trust and rapport may not be enough. It may take a long time to be able to talk to a therapist about years of struggle with an experience. There are layers and layers of “truth” and a psychotherapeutic relationship can be both dynamic and complex.

Research for this article can be found over here

Today seems like the perfect time for a post with some hints and tips in it! I'm referring of course to the furore surrounding the accusations of bullying at No.10, so I thought I'd share some wisdom on how to deal with a work place bully -

• The first step is to realise that what is going on IS bullying...not that you're dropping the ball, doing a bad job or that you deserve to spoken to/treated this way.
• Once you've realised that you are being bullied (and please remember that it can be subtle sometimes), keep a diary of the incidents of the bullying behaviour...obviously recording the date and time is key. Also, if you're being bullied in any written correspondence, keep copies.
• If possible, summon up the courage to approach the bully. Stay calm and professional, present what you feel the bullying behaviour is and ask them to stop. Be ready for the bully to take an aggressive approach to your request, be ready also for them to stop the behaviour for a little while only for it to return at a later date.
• Approach your Human Resources department with the facts, this is where your diary will come in very handy. Ask them what steps they will take and how they will keep you informed about how your complaint is being handled.
  
• Remember that behind the bully is still a person with feelings - however hard that may be. Sinking to their level is not the way to go, and there is very likely to be a reason why this person has to result to such degrading behaviour to get by in life.
• Finally, it is worth considering finding another job if the behaviour doesn't improve. That is not a sign of weakness or that you've failed, rather it's a significant step is publicly stating that your mental health and peace of mind is more important to you than working in a toxic environment, it demonstrates a healthy respect for your self-esteem and your self-respect.

If you are dealing with a work place bully, counselling can also help. You can get in touch with me here

Over at PsychCentral they're talking about about the 7 habits of existentially vibrant living. I thought they were on the money, so I'm listing them here too:

1. Cultivate the habit of making your own meaning
2. Cultivate the habit of noticing ordinary perfection
3. Cultivate the habit of being in the moment
4. Cultivate the habit of making conscious choices
5. Cultivate the habit of self-acceptance
6. Cultivate the habit of accepting uncertainty
7. Cultivate the habit of forgiving and compassion

The question I get asked by my friends and acquaintances ALL THE TIME is this - I'm thinking about starting counselling but I have no idea what to expect, would it be alright if we had a chat about it?

I always say yes. I've done the same to friends who have some type of specialist knowledge which I know nothing about and I've always been grateful that they bothered. I've also helped friends chat about counselling and it really helps to lessen the anxiety about it all.

So, I thought I'd open this out to people I don't know. Searching the internet will only get you so far, sometimes it's really helpful to actually talk to someone...so I'm making myself available to everyone, if anyone out there wants to have a free conversation about counselling, therapy, what the difference is between the two, what's this CBT I've read about, how much, how long etc, etc, etc.

Email me here to arrange a time to chat.

I thought about what to write in this post for a while, I hunted around the web looking for some inspiration and came up a bit short...nothing really grabbed me, nothing made me think "Ooooo, I want to share this with my readers!" (Whoever you are...still not sure if it's more than just my family that read this, sometimes I'm not even sure they do!).

I was actually thinking about a post related to Valentine's Day and this post is sort of related. I realised as I got to the end of my working week how much fantastic chemistry seems to be happening between my clients and I at the moment.

In my private practice I have the luxury of choosing who I work with but I also work within the NHS where clients are just referred to me. With some of those clients I'm able to work long term, with others, we only have six sessions and with only six sessions it can be hard to coax people out of their shell and earn their trust in just six weeks. But right now I'm basking in the glow of what feels like very genuine chemistry with my clients and I love it when it's like this.

This week there have been tears, sadness, anger...even a few "where is your anger?" moments! There have been laughs and reasons to celebrate too. But with each and every client this week there seem to have been some deeply touching moments where I've been granted access to some of the most private spaces and there have been heart-felt and genuine thanks for my time. It's these moments that make me realise that if I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd do this work for free. So if any of my clients actually read this, let me say thank you for choosing me as your therapist. To my NHS clients who just happened to get me...I'm glad I got you.

So, chemistry...it's important in all sorts of relationships.

A short post this one.

Last week a client said to me "what we talked about last week really helped...it made me feel so much better".

That's my favourite thing about this job. It's not only that I helped that particular client but when that client starts to feel better, the ripple effect goes out to all the people that client interacts with. That I get to help people I'll never meet just by making one person feel more able to cope and take on the world is, well, awesome!

I caught a new radio drama on Radio 4 yesterday - How Does That Make You Feel? (Ordinary Is Not Enough) - it's on the iplayer at the moment, the first two episode anyway, find it here

I've only heard the first episode, but I rather liked it. So far it seems to be about a therapist who's kind of failing on the job satisfaction front! She's working with clients who she finds annoying and frustrating. Well, we all work with people who are annoying and frustrating sometimes but for a therapist all of those feelings end up being grist for mill.

But it did get me thinking about how and why therapist "self-care" is so important. It's a job where you are daily at the coal face of emotional turmoil, that's a lot to leave at the office when you close the door at the end of the day.

For me though, good therapist self care should be an important priority not only so you can stay fresh for yourself and your clients but also to be able to show and model good self care to clients. It's something that some clients do need help with and having some ideas up your sleeve that you can explore with clients can be helpful.

I've also had some excellent tips from clients. One client discovered a terrific series of meditation podcasts that worked really well, I got the recommendation, downloaded them myself and have gone on to recommend them to lots of friends, family and other clients! I'm reminded of a really cheeky dedication in one of Winnicott's books - he dedicated the book to "all my clients, who paid to teach me".