Well apparently it's today. In my previous life I was in public relations, so I'm very skeptical of this sort of news story...and this one in particular comes up every single year. I know that because it was my job to read the newspapers every single day. According to the "science" it's the perfect storm of the following -

• Light levels. While it is not technically the day with the least sunlight - that’s December 21st, the “Winter Solstice” - weather patterns often conspire in late January to deprive us of the sunlight we might otherwise enjoy,
• Christmas bills come due around this time, and - especially in this economy - that’s a harsh blow,
• Even those remarkable individuals who have faithfully stuck to their New Year’s resolutions for a few weeks, are now beginning to falter.

I actually felt great this morning, my morning bike ride was a breeze instead of a struggle despite the rain, I'm busy but not too busy and I've got lots of exciting things to look forward to in both my professional and my personal life. I just hope that you, my readers, haven't had the most depressing day today!

A friend of mine very kindly agreed to let me interview her about her experiences of counselling - thank you friend who shall remain nameless! Personally, I found it a very honest and moving account of her experience, I hope you do too.

What brought you to counselling?

A relationship break-up. After the relationship ended I really felt like I hit rock bottom. I’ve dealt with my fair share of crises before that point but there seemed to be far more practical solutions to deal with those, this time around it wasn’t about dusting myself down and carrying on, I really felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me. All the hopes and dreams that had been tied up in that relationship came crashing down when it ended. Suddenly the world became a barren place where nothing could or would ever grow again. It definitely felt like the right time to explore my “me-ness”, I wanted to make a detailed assessment of my life, of myself and get to know myself a bit better. I also felt it was time to re-set my boundaries and start asserting them with others.That famous part of the serenity prayer really struck me - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I knew I needed some help in finding that wisdom.

How long have you been in counselling?
12 months

Is this your first experience of counselling?

No, I’ve previously had it a couple of times before. I’ve had NHS coping strategies for health issues, I’m pretty sure that was CBT type stuff. That lasted for six months and was helpful because it was very practical and helped me by giving me strategies I could draw on. That actually led onto a referral for psychotherapy with a psychiatrist. I didn’t realise I was seeing a full on shrink until the day of the appointment and I immediately hated it because seeing a shrink was synonymous with “nutter” in my mind! The psychiatrist immediately said he wanted to put me on anti-depressants which rubbed me up the wrong way, I was on enough medication at the time and didn’t want any more. And I didn’t think of myself as depressed or needing anti-depressants. I was also scared of the process, a lot of very painful stuff has happened to me in my past and I was scared of talking about it. I didn’t feel ready to. More than anything else, I just didn’t like this guy, we didn’t gel at all. He came across to me as cold, he was much older than me, a different class, a different generation, a different gender. I thought “what could this man possibly know about me and my life. There was never any connection between us and remembering it now, I remember how negative my body language was!

A while later I went back to counselling again and this time got on much better with the therapist, although it took a good eight months to really feel I could trust him. He was closer in age to me, warmer and I felt like he was more prepared to collaborate with me, I felt I had more agency. He ended up moving from one NHS service to another and took me with me, as we both felt it wasn’t time to end the relationship. That was really touching for me.

How does your current experience of counselling compare with your previous experiences?

In the past, I was embarrassed to say I was in counselling because of the stigma of it. Now I admit it openly, because of the value I now place on it, my happiness is too important to me and I really want to go to therapy, I really get so much out of it. That’s not to say it’s always easy or painless...it isn’t! I really feel I wouldn’t have got through last year without it. It’s most important thing I do for myself each week. I’m not prepared to compromise on that.

What changes has this current experience of counselling brought to your life?

Re-setting boundaries has been a really important change. I’ve learnt to acknowledge my needs and ask to have them met by the people in my life, rather than automatically putting other people’s needs ahead of my own and ending up feeling resentful. Counselling has also helped me to challenge the assumptions I hold about the world, it’s helped me look at things and say “oh, I see, there are other ways to interpret that” and that’s been really helpful.

I faced a really difficult life challenge nine months into this lot of counselling and once it had passed I realised I’d dealt with it completely differently. I knew I had gained the strength and the courage to handle it, to actually ask for help when I needed it, I wasn’t scared of allowing my feelings to ebb and flow. In the past I know I would have pushed them aside, pulled myself up by my boot straps and got on with it. In the past, I used to obsessively organise my life down to the last detail - that scene in the Julia Robert’s film Sleeping with the Enemy where all the tins in the kitchen face forward in neat rows...that was me! The world felt out of control so I had to control what I could...that’s fallen away now and I’m so grateful it has. I know now that the only person has the power over my happiness is me, I’m the only person responsible for my feelings and that’s such a liberating realisation!

Finally, you have to be open and honest in therapy if you want to get anything out of it, the natural by-product of that is that I’m more open and honest with myself outside the counselling room. I’m learning to stop dismissing my feelings and intuitions.

What are the qualities of your counsellor that you appreciate the most? Has he/she said or done anything that has really stayed with you?

The one thing that really jumps out is when he asked my permission to call me after an operation I had to see how it went and how I was recovering. He didn’t have to do that but I was so touched that he did. I’ve never doubted his genuine compassionate care for me and that means I feel I can totally trust him. He’s also told me that he really enjoys how we’re working together and that he’s learning a lot from it. That makes me feel he’s as committed as I am to counselling, it’s also made me appreciate his humanity...he’s not some distant know it all, he’s a human being like me who’s learning as much as I am in the counselling we’re doing together, and that’s pretty cool! Also, given that I came to therapy after the break-down of a relationship with a boyfriend, learning to trust someone, particularly a man, has been a huge part of what’s been helpful about counselling.

I recently read what I thought was a great book, it's got a pretty full on title - How to Be an Existentialist or How to Get Real, Get a Grip and Stop Making Excuses by Gary Cox. Existential philosophy appeals to me in a big way, once I got my head around it and I regularly need to go back and get my head around it again!

Gary says this on the front of the book - Many people have the silly idea, gleaned from movies, adverts and glossy magazines, that life is perfectable. The idea that other people out there somewhere have achieved the perfect life. So, they feel dissatisfied with the life they have or even downright cheated out of a life they think they deserve but don't have, the life no one has. They yearn for a life of perfect happiness that is impossible, while failing to take control of the life they do have and make it more rewarding through decisive, realistic action. Existentialists are nihilists because they recognise that life is ultimately absurd and full of terrible, inescapable truths. They are anti-nihilists because they recognise that life in fact does have a meaning: the meaning each person chooses to give his or her own existence. They recognise that each person is free to create themselves and make something worthwhile of themselves by striving against life's difficulties.

Sounds a bit hard core, doesn't it. But it's a great book and I think this approach is spot on. Click here for a brief interview with Gary at The Philosophers Magazine.

As I said in my previous post, I wanted to come back to this article I flagged up about what not to worry about in therapy.

The first, my therapist is judging me. The article is right, we usually have heard worse and as a group of people we tend to be pretty unshockable. For me personally, my experience is that we are usually the most harsh judges of ourselves. I know if I've messed up, let people down or done something I'm not proud of, it feels like no one is more disappointed in me than I am. So when I'm with clients, I keep that in mind and remember there's very little point in me throwing my hat in ring, chances are you as the client are doing the best job of judging yourself and it's not going to help any if I have a go! Judging clients also gets in the way of some far more important questions - why was what you did/said/didn't do/didn't say so bad? What assumptions are you (the client) holding about yourself and the world by judging yourself in this way...that's much more interesting and useful for both of us.

Sometimes you don't know what to say or talk about. That's certainly happened to me in front of my therapist! And the article is spot on - silence in therapy is normal, natural and nothing to worry about, although it can feel uncomfortable sometimes. However, as a therapist I'm always interested in what happens in all the other hours of my client's week that we're not together. Do things happen during the week where they think "I must bring this to therapy...I'd really like to explore why I got so upset" or do they just turn up to therapy without having thought about how they want to use the time. Do they carry my voice in their heads or am I only in their life when we're sitting opposite each other? How active a participant are you in your own therapy? For my part, in my own therapy I've oscillated between the two, sometimes I've wanted to forget about therapy until I got there, other times I've had a long hard think about what I wanted to get out of a session and other times, try as I might, my therapist's voice resonates around my head, challenging me on some point we've spoken about!

I'm not interesting enough - my therapist must be bored! - Again, the article is spot on, your job is not to entertain your therapist. Nor is it your therapist's job to entertain you. But therapy is about the relationship between the two of you (as I constantly go on about). So if either of you feels bored or annoyed or whatever, it's undoubtedly a reflection of the dynamic between the two of you. A therapist would never say "I'm finding you boring" (it's a judgment, it's not helpful and shows a stunning lack of personal insight), they would become aware of that feeling and explore it a bit, they would tentatively test it out with you, maybe saying something like: "I remember a month ago when we were talking about the problems you were experiencing with your boss there was a very different energy between us, I experienced your anger, your frustration and your deep desire that things be different...it doesn't feel like that right now and I'm wondering how you're experiencing this session today". To which you might respond "I've given up with my boss, everything just bores me at the moment"...now some useful stuff is coming up and being openly discussed...good therapy is happening!

Should I know how this works? Should I feel the changes as they take place? - No, therapy is not like popping a pill to get rid of a headache, it does take time and it may not seem like all that much is happening because often the changes are subtle and gradual. However, there's nothing wrong with regular review sessions with your therapist. You might want to contract at the beginning for a review session every 12 weeks, spending the beginning of the 13th session checking on what you've covered, what you've both noticed has changed, what hasn't and so on. It's your therapy, it's about you so don't be afraid to ask for some feedback.

My therapist watches the clock - actually, I have nothing to add to this one!

And got nothing! I thought I'd pose as a potential client for My Therapist Match and see what recommendations came through, sadly none! I'm sure this is because they're new and are in the process of recruiting therapists. At least I hope so, otherwise I'm untreatable...!

The process was straightforward and pretty quick, although I have no idea why they need to know if I'm a smoker and how much I weigh.

Any American therapists reading this blog...do check out the site and see if could be another string to your marketing bow, clients are trying to find you!

I've just stumbled across this and I don't have time to reflect further on these 5 points right now, I'll be back to them later.

Here's the link

How good is this!!!

I was invited to guest post on their blog and I jumped at the chance because I think this is such an amazing idea - find a therapist that's compatible with you, the way you process things, set goals (or not) etc, etc. I take my hat off to Casey and his co-founders for developing this idea and maybe, just maybe he'll let me plug his site a bit more by letting me interview him for this tiny, tiny corner of the web.

I'm going to spend some time poking around on the site to trial it out as I'm intensely curious. It would be great to bring it to the UK.

A close friend gave me a book for Christmas which has a great quote in it - Action is momentary, the movement of a muscle, this way or that. Suffering is long, obscure and infinite. Consider this before you undertake or commit any action.