A friend of mine very kindly agreed to let me interview her about her experiences of counselling - thank you friend who shall remain nameless! Personally, I found it a very honest and moving account of her experience, I hope you do too.

What brought you to counselling?

A relationship break-up. After the relationship ended I really felt like I hit rock bottom. I’ve dealt with my fair share of crises before that point but there seemed to be far more practical solutions to deal with those, this time around it wasn’t about dusting myself down and carrying on, I really felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me. All the hopes and dreams that had been tied up in that relationship came crashing down when it ended. Suddenly the world became a barren place where nothing could or would ever grow again. It definitely felt like the right time to explore my “me-ness”, I wanted to make a detailed assessment of my life, of myself and get to know myself a bit better. I also felt it was time to re-set my boundaries and start asserting them with others.That famous part of the serenity prayer really struck me - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I knew I needed some help in finding that wisdom.

How long have you been in counselling?
12 months

Is this your first experience of counselling?

No, I’ve previously had it a couple of times before. I’ve had NHS coping strategies for health issues, I’m pretty sure that was CBT type stuff. That lasted for six months and was helpful because it was very practical and helped me by giving me strategies I could draw on. That actually led onto a referral for psychotherapy with a psychiatrist. I didn’t realise I was seeing a full on shrink until the day of the appointment and I immediately hated it because seeing a shrink was synonymous with “nutter” in my mind! The psychiatrist immediately said he wanted to put me on anti-depressants which rubbed me up the wrong way, I was on enough medication at the time and didn’t want any more. And I didn’t think of myself as depressed or needing anti-depressants. I was also scared of the process, a lot of very painful stuff has happened to me in my past and I was scared of talking about it. I didn’t feel ready to. More than anything else, I just didn’t like this guy, we didn’t gel at all. He came across to me as cold, he was much older than me, a different class, a different generation, a different gender. I thought “what could this man possibly know about me and my life. There was never any connection between us and remembering it now, I remember how negative my body language was!

A while later I went back to counselling again and this time got on much better with the therapist, although it took a good eight months to really feel I could trust him. He was closer in age to me, warmer and I felt like he was more prepared to collaborate with me, I felt I had more agency. He ended up moving from one NHS service to another and took me with me, as we both felt it wasn’t time to end the relationship. That was really touching for me.

How does your current experience of counselling compare with your previous experiences?

In the past, I was embarrassed to say I was in counselling because of the stigma of it. Now I admit it openly, because of the value I now place on it, my happiness is too important to me and I really want to go to therapy, I really get so much out of it. That’s not to say it’s always easy or painless...it isn’t! I really feel I wouldn’t have got through last year without it. It’s most important thing I do for myself each week. I’m not prepared to compromise on that.

What changes has this current experience of counselling brought to your life?

Re-setting boundaries has been a really important change. I’ve learnt to acknowledge my needs and ask to have them met by the people in my life, rather than automatically putting other people’s needs ahead of my own and ending up feeling resentful. Counselling has also helped me to challenge the assumptions I hold about the world, it’s helped me look at things and say “oh, I see, there are other ways to interpret that” and that’s been really helpful.

I faced a really difficult life challenge nine months into this lot of counselling and once it had passed I realised I’d dealt with it completely differently. I knew I had gained the strength and the courage to handle it, to actually ask for help when I needed it, I wasn’t scared of allowing my feelings to ebb and flow. In the past I know I would have pushed them aside, pulled myself up by my boot straps and got on with it. In the past, I used to obsessively organise my life down to the last detail - that scene in the Julia Robert’s film Sleeping with the Enemy where all the tins in the kitchen face forward in neat rows...that was me! The world felt out of control so I had to control what I could...that’s fallen away now and I’m so grateful it has. I know now that the only person has the power over my happiness is me, I’m the only person responsible for my feelings and that’s such a liberating realisation!

Finally, you have to be open and honest in therapy if you want to get anything out of it, the natural by-product of that is that I’m more open and honest with myself outside the counselling room. I’m learning to stop dismissing my feelings and intuitions.

What are the qualities of your counsellor that you appreciate the most? Has he/she said or done anything that has really stayed with you?

The one thing that really jumps out is when he asked my permission to call me after an operation I had to see how it went and how I was recovering. He didn’t have to do that but I was so touched that he did. I’ve never doubted his genuine compassionate care for me and that means I feel I can totally trust him. He’s also told me that he really enjoys how we’re working together and that he’s learning a lot from it. That makes me feel he’s as committed as I am to counselling, it’s also made me appreciate his humanity...he’s not some distant know it all, he’s a human being like me who’s learning as much as I am in the counselling we’re doing together, and that’s pretty cool! Also, given that I came to therapy after the break-down of a relationship with a boyfriend, learning to trust someone, particularly a man, has been a huge part of what’s been helpful about counselling.