As I said in my previous post, I wanted to come back to this article I flagged up about what not to worry about in therapy.

The first, my therapist is judging me. The article is right, we usually have heard worse and as a group of people we tend to be pretty unshockable. For me personally, my experience is that we are usually the most harsh judges of ourselves. I know if I've messed up, let people down or done something I'm not proud of, it feels like no one is more disappointed in me than I am. So when I'm with clients, I keep that in mind and remember there's very little point in me throwing my hat in ring, chances are you as the client are doing the best job of judging yourself and it's not going to help any if I have a go! Judging clients also gets in the way of some far more important questions - why was what you did/said/didn't do/didn't say so bad? What assumptions are you (the client) holding about yourself and the world by judging yourself in this way...that's much more interesting and useful for both of us.

Sometimes you don't know what to say or talk about. That's certainly happened to me in front of my therapist! And the article is spot on - silence in therapy is normal, natural and nothing to worry about, although it can feel uncomfortable sometimes. However, as a therapist I'm always interested in what happens in all the other hours of my client's week that we're not together. Do things happen during the week where they think "I must bring this to therapy...I'd really like to explore why I got so upset" or do they just turn up to therapy without having thought about how they want to use the time. Do they carry my voice in their heads or am I only in their life when we're sitting opposite each other? How active a participant are you in your own therapy? For my part, in my own therapy I've oscillated between the two, sometimes I've wanted to forget about therapy until I got there, other times I've had a long hard think about what I wanted to get out of a session and other times, try as I might, my therapist's voice resonates around my head, challenging me on some point we've spoken about!

I'm not interesting enough - my therapist must be bored! - Again, the article is spot on, your job is not to entertain your therapist. Nor is it your therapist's job to entertain you. But therapy is about the relationship between the two of you (as I constantly go on about). So if either of you feels bored or annoyed or whatever, it's undoubtedly a reflection of the dynamic between the two of you. A therapist would never say "I'm finding you boring" (it's a judgment, it's not helpful and shows a stunning lack of personal insight), they would become aware of that feeling and explore it a bit, they would tentatively test it out with you, maybe saying something like: "I remember a month ago when we were talking about the problems you were experiencing with your boss there was a very different energy between us, I experienced your anger, your frustration and your deep desire that things be different...it doesn't feel like that right now and I'm wondering how you're experiencing this session today". To which you might respond "I've given up with my boss, everything just bores me at the moment"...now some useful stuff is coming up and being openly discussed...good therapy is happening!

Should I know how this works? Should I feel the changes as they take place? - No, therapy is not like popping a pill to get rid of a headache, it does take time and it may not seem like all that much is happening because often the changes are subtle and gradual. However, there's nothing wrong with regular review sessions with your therapist. You might want to contract at the beginning for a review session every 12 weeks, spending the beginning of the 13th session checking on what you've covered, what you've both noticed has changed, what hasn't and so on. It's your therapy, it's about you so don't be afraid to ask for some feedback.

My therapist watches the clock - actually, I have nothing to add to this one!