This word is basically on my banned list (along with a couple of other words, they'll get their own blog post later). I've called out almost every client I have ever worked with on this word because of its damaging ramifications. And if you were to pick one at random they'd probably say "yep, she totally said that to me".

This loathed word is can't. Any clients reading this now can probably hear my voice in their heads saying "there's no such thing as can't, there's only won't". And I totally believe that.

Sure - you can't fly, you can't turn your legs into wheels and you can't develop psychic abilities. All those things are the boundaries of our existence, the givens of our world. The natural laws that we are all bound by can not be changed in those ways...psychics may prove me wrong on some of these but not for a while I think.

So what do I mean when I say "there's no such thing as can't, only won't". Let's use an example:

• I can't go on holiday this summer
• I won't go on holiday this summer

The former statement implies you have no choice in the matter. The latter begs the question "why not?". Why won't you on holiday this summer? You can't afford to pay for it or you don't want to make some short term sacrifices to save up the money for your holiday? The choice is always yours. Plenty of people CAN (and do) save up the money to go on holiday so it's not a REAL can't.

You can't leave your job even though you hate it. Maybe you're choosing not to leave your job because although you loathe it, it feels safer than being in the job market. You're making that choice. The choice is up to you. There's no judgement, none at all, in admitting the job market is a scary place to be and it's not for you right now. That's totally fine, but don't lie to yourself and say you can't leave your job. Reframe it by saying - I choose not to leave my job right now. I don't enjoy the work I do but I do like the secuirty this job offers me right now.

Try it for a bit in your own life. Every time you say you can't do something, question it. Is it that you can't or is that you don't want to?

And I'd love to hear your feedback on this one. I invite any and all of you to email me about this little experiment. What changes do you notice? How hard was it? Has your understanding of your choices changed?

I'll be the only one reading those emails, so don't be shy - tamarisk@twochairscounselling.co.uk