This is a post for any therapists who read this blog. I've launched a site for you! It's about marketing your practice. You can find it here.

You'll find posts on the following -

• Websites - why? how? must I?
• Find out why I think you should specialise
  
• Did you know that if you're selling a service then you are your brand

Sign up for my email updates when you're there. You can also sign up for my newsletter now that you're here - over on the right there, see? Thaaaaaat's it. Thanks!

Feeling stressed out work? Well we all do sometimes, don't we. The key to any stress management programme or techniques is the belief that alternatives are possible. (If you're following me on Twitter you might have notice a related post...! @twochairslondon if you aren't following me yet). The feeling of being trapped and without choices can be the greatest stressor of all.

There are two ways to manage stress in the work place; reduce the environmental aspects that are causing the stress and/or change how you respond to the things that are stressful for you. Remember, even when you can't change the situation, you're always in control of how you choose to respond.





So here are some tips:

• Be appropiately assertive and don't feel guilty about setting boundaries and limits. Learn the power of saying no when necessary.
• Recognise that stressful situations can often arise from someone else's inefficiency. Are they responding by being reactive rather pro-active? You have a choice here not to carried by their sense of panic.
• Stuff outside the office might be affecting what's happening in the office - a colleague might have broken up with a boyfriend, your boss might not be getting much sleep if his wife has just had a baby...recognise that you did not cause the problem and that you're not responsible for their consequences.
• Practice relaxation skills - meditating really is all its cracked up to be. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress. And yes, alcohol and drugs are more likely to make things worse.

In this body obsessed culture we live in, when we want to make physical changes we know exactly where to go and what to do - start running, join the gym and religiously follow an eating programme. But how and where do you go about starting an emotional exercise regime? Here are 10 tips on finding a good therapist -

1. Forget the Yellow Pages - I'm sure you have for everything else you're trying to find. Instead look for online counselling directories. If you're readin this and you're looking for a therapist right now, you'll find the links on the right helpful.
   
2. Ask someone you know who's had therapy - A personal recommendation is a really good place to start.
3. Ask a professional - Your GP surgery is very likely to offer some sort of counselling, very likely to be short term. Be prepared for the possibility of a waiting list.
4. Use a known therapist as a resource - ask me! I'm very happy to answer any questions or queries as best as I can. You can email me.
5. Use resources at work - A lot of bigger companies run Employee Assistance Programmes. The best way to enquire about this is usually to have a conversation with your HR department. You don't have to specific, you can just say you're dealing with something in your personal life you think it would helpful to get some perspective on.
   
6. Charities are resources - A number of charities exsist to provide counselling to particular issues or client groups eg: Cruse Bereavement Support, the Cancer Counselling Trust, Mind...
7. Check with your health insurance - Some health insurers in the UK like Bupa etc offer psychological support, give them a quick call to find out if you're covered for this. They will have a list of approved providers that they can refer you to.
   
8. Use the internet - Researching therapists on the web will give you a much clearer idea of who's out there, how much they charge, where they're based and so on.
   
9. Google them! - Once you've done a bit of research you can Google them. They might have a blog or have published some articles and discovering these will help you get a better picture of them.
   
10. Don't limit yourself - some therapists are still quite old school and don't have an online presence. That doesn't mean they won't be the perfect match for you.
    

The most important thing to remember is to be picky. An emotional work out can be just as tiring (and sometimes painful) as a physical one, so make sure you're picking the right trainer!

Why would you lie to your therapist? Seems like a stupid thing to do doesn't it. Why, when you're paying good money, would you withhold information from them? Well, maybe you've come to therapy because you're a compulsive liar, but let's assume that the majority of clients aren't.

For a therapist, it's an honest question to grapple with...especially if you've been working with a client for a while and they suddenly mention something huge like, I don't know, their mother committed suicide when they were 15. A revelation like that can really leave the therapist reeling and although it's not a classic lie, it could be framed as lying by omission. The client isn't being intentionally untruthful.

There are a number of reasons why you may not mention something big like that to your therapist -

• It's painful or embarrassing - Discussing an issue that might be embarrassing, painful or shameful is difficult no matter who you're talking to. We're not good at talking about things that are difficult. We might have spent years avoiding talking about it and that has become an important coping strategy. Just because you've started therapy, doesn't suddenly make it easy to talk about.
• Didn't know it was important or are in denial - Is it really a lie if you don't realise it's important? An issue that you believe isn't important to the therapy, may in fact turn out to be pivotal when it's finally revealed. This may be due to a lack of insight...something therapy is designed to improve, but it may be because you're in denial, you may have convinced youself that particular thoughts about the "lie" are true when they've not, or you may not be ready to explore things from a different perspective.
• My therapist will judge me - Some therapists do judge clients for what they tell them in therapy, or dismiss their concerns or emotional responses, and that’s a reason many people hold back in baring their souls in psychotherapy. It's happened to me before with a therapist I was seeing and I terminated the contract. Some therapists don’t listen when that’s their primary responsibility. Such behavior can leave you feeling a lot worse about yourself, when therapy is intended to help you feel better about yourself. A client often will clam up and stop being truthful (“Everything’s fine!”) because they’ve learned their current therapist simply isn’t going to help them.
• Trust and rapport with your therapist - The process of developing a solid relationship with your therapist takes time and energy...on both sides. Without a strong rapport and a solid basis of trust in each other, it can be difficult to feel comfortable revealing all you could or should within your therapy. Trust has to be earned and you may well feel safer reserving some facts about yourself until you feel the trust is in place. If you don't trust your therapist, you're unlikely to share everything with your therapist in the first couple of sessions.
• Lying as a coping mechanism - Often, people learn to lie skillfully in order to avoid continued abuse or trauma. Undoing the common use of that coping mechanism will take time, even with a skilled and trusted therapist.
• It just takes time - As human, social beings, we’ve learned to wear certain masks that aren’t always easy to let drop just because we should. The therapeutic process is a messy and complex one. Both you and your therapist must take the time and make the effort to seek the truth. For some people, trust and rapport may not be enough. It may take a long time to be able to talk to a therapist about years of struggle with an experience. There are layers and layers of “truth” and a psychotherapeutic relationship can be both dynamic and complex.

Research for this article can be found over here

Today seems like the perfect time for a post with some hints and tips in it! I'm referring of course to the furore surrounding the accusations of bullying at No.10, so I thought I'd share some wisdom on how to deal with a work place bully -

• The first step is to realise that what is going on IS bullying...not that you're dropping the ball, doing a bad job or that you deserve to spoken to/treated this way.
• Once you've realised that you are being bullied (and please remember that it can be subtle sometimes), keep a diary of the incidents of the bullying behaviour...obviously recording the date and time is key. Also, if you're being bullied in any written correspondence, keep copies.
• If possible, summon up the courage to approach the bully. Stay calm and professional, present what you feel the bullying behaviour is and ask them to stop. Be ready for the bully to take an aggressive approach to your request, be ready also for them to stop the behaviour for a little while only for it to return at a later date.
• Approach your Human Resources department with the facts, this is where your diary will come in very handy. Ask them what steps they will take and how they will keep you informed about how your complaint is being handled.
  
• Remember that behind the bully is still a person with feelings - however hard that may be. Sinking to their level is not the way to go, and there is very likely to be a reason why this person has to result to such degrading behaviour to get by in life.
• Finally, it is worth considering finding another job if the behaviour doesn't improve. That is not a sign of weakness or that you've failed, rather it's a significant step is publicly stating that your mental health and peace of mind is more important to you than working in a toxic environment, it demonstrates a healthy respect for your self-esteem and your self-respect.

If you are dealing with a work place bully, counselling can also help. You can get in touch with me here

Over at PsychCentral they're talking about about the 7 habits of existentially vibrant living. I thought they were on the money, so I'm listing them here too:

1. Cultivate the habit of making your own meaning
2. Cultivate the habit of noticing ordinary perfection
3. Cultivate the habit of being in the moment
4. Cultivate the habit of making conscious choices
5. Cultivate the habit of self-acceptance
6. Cultivate the habit of accepting uncertainty
7. Cultivate the habit of forgiving and compassion

The question I get asked by my friends and acquaintances ALL THE TIME is this - I'm thinking about starting counselling but I have no idea what to expect, would it be alright if we had a chat about it?

I always say yes. I've done the same to friends who have some type of specialist knowledge which I know nothing about and I've always been grateful that they bothered. I've also helped friends chat about counselling and it really helps to lessen the anxiety about it all.

So, I thought I'd open this out to people I don't know. Searching the internet will only get you so far, sometimes it's really helpful to actually talk to someone...so I'm making myself available to everyone, if anyone out there wants to have a free conversation about counselling, therapy, what the difference is between the two, what's this CBT I've read about, how much, how long etc, etc, etc.

Email me here to arrange a time to chat.