I will admit to not being particularly tech savvy...I started tinkering with this blog, trying to add new themes to make it look pretty. Turns out my CSS/HTML coding knowledge isn't up to much and I basically broke this blog.

What I really wanted was for this blog to be integrated within my website so that you can hang out with me in the one place, rather than having to click away and go somewhere else. So I found a guy and he made that happen.

I've got us a fancy pants new website with a blog integrated into it! Exciting! I even got all the posts that are here migrated over there. I'll leave this up for you guys but all new posts will be going on at the new site, so come and hang with me at the new home of Two Chairs Counselling

I've written a new post already, check it out - 5 Relationship Myths, Mistakes and Misconceptions

I've convinced my good friend Elspeth Stewart at Key Nutrition to guest blog for us! Exciting! So, without further a do, here's some expert advice on how nutrition can have a powerful effect on stress management -

A large percentage of our clients come to us with health symptoms that are linked to stress – they are often unaware that stress is a factor until we explain what is going on behind the scenes - many report that their nutrition programme not only brings about improvement in health symptoms but also improves their ability to deal with stress on a daily basis.

We regularly work with corporate clients who are faced with stress, long hours and ‘eat on the run’ and we always look for realistic solutions that will fit in their hectic lifestyle.

What is stress?

How can it affect you and what can you do to support your body against its damaging effects? Stress may be caused by anything an individual finds challenging:

· Financial pressures · Relationship problems · Work pressures · Social pressures · Family pressures · Environmental pollutants · Nutrient deficiencies · Poor blood sugar management · Food allergies

· Digestive issues · Long term illness · Inflammatory disorders · Nicotine · Caffeine · Excessive exercise · Poor sleep quality · Physical injury · Getting over-heated or too cold

What happens when we are stressed?

The stress response in humans has not changed much since prehistoric times - it is our ‘fight or flight’ response, designed to either help us fight or run from a threatening situation.

In response to stress our adrenal glands release adrenalin and cortisol. These hormones mobilise glucose from our glycogen stores in order to push up blood sugar levels, thus giving the body fuel to enable ‘fight or flight’. Adrenalin and cortisol are also responsible for other physiological changes such as slowing down digestion, increasing blood pressure and mobilising fats and calcium into the bloodstream.

These reactions are very useful if we are faced with physical danger as they prepare the body for intense physical activity. However, modern stressors rarely require a physical response and that is why stress can be so damaging to health.

Prolonged Stress and adrenal exhaustion

Although we do we do need some stress hormones for normal functioning, it’s not good to be in a regular state of stress with persistently high cortisol levels.

The stress response uses up valuable nutrients leaving the rest of the body short of:

Zinc Magnesium Vitamin C B5

This can result in symptoms which at first glance don’t ‘seem’ to be stress related but are actually linked. Poor skin health, PMS, low immunity, IBS and depression are all classic ‘knock-on’ effects of chronic stress.

Prolonged periods of stress can cause the adrenal glands to grow tired of constantly pushing out stress hormones. Eventually output of cortisol can drop below optimal levels. This can leave you suffering from adrenal exhaustion/fatigue.

Signs of adrenal exhaustion

· Lacking concentration, fuzzy head, brain fog

· Frequent infections or increased time to recover from illness, injury or trauma (cortisol is involved in immune function)

· Sleep disturbances

· Feeling wide awake late at night

· Cravings for sugar, salt or caffeine

· Difficulty getting going in the morning (maybe you NEED that cup of coffee before you can function)

· Depression

· Increased PMS

· Poor memory

· Low blood pressure (Light headed when standing up quickly)

· Decreased sex drive

· Constantly exhausted

Managing Stress

We can’t always change the external stressors in our lives. However, through good nutrition and basic lifestyle changes we can do a lot to help support our bodies to deal better with them.

Dietary support

· Manage blood sugar levels by eating a low glycaemic diet. When blood sugar dips stress hormones are released to bring sugar levels back up – therefore tiring the adrenal glands further. (Our team could provide guidance on low glycaemic eating.)

· Eat protein with every meal and snack as this helps blood glucose control.

· Don’t skip meals. Ensure that you eat at least every 3 or 4 hours. Small, regular meals help to maintain energy levels and mood, while decreasing tiredness, irritability and stimulating our metabolic rate.

· Avoid stimulants like tea, coffee, tobacco. Although they provide a temporary energy boost they cause the release of stress hormones thus burdening the adrenals further. They also deplete many essential nutrients.

· Eat a whole food diet rich in fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds. Nutrients that specifically support the adrenal glands are:

o Vitamin C. Found in most fresh fruit and vegetables.

o Magnesium. Dramatically depleted in times of stress. Found in dark green leafy vegetables, wholegrains, nuts and seeds.

o Vitamin B5. Directly supports adrenal cortex function and hormone production. Sources include wholegrains, nuts and seeds. Best sources are liver and kidney.

· Aim to drink at least 1 – 1½ litres of filtered/ bottled water throughout the day, which can include herbal teas.

· Identify and avoid food allergens.

· Address any digestive issues.

Lifestyle

• Aim for at least 7 hours sleep each night. Quality sleep is very important for long term health and regeneration. (Our team can help with programmes for sleep issues)

• Take regular, low impact exercise.* For those with significantly depleted adrenal hormones, intensive cardiovascular exercise will further deplete adrenal reserves. Gentle exercises such as yoga, pilates, swimming and brisk walking are all excellent alternatives and are often calming in themselves. *Consult your GP before starting a new exercise programme.

• Regular relaxation needs to be built into our daily lives. Reading, bathing, massage, meditation, yoga ant tai chi are all beneficial at reducing stress.

• In some cases, we recommend clients consider counselling along side nutritional therapy – whether there is a specific issue being addressed or perhaps it can provide an opportunity to lean new, positive thought processes to improve outlook and thereby reduce your levels of perceived stress...(you know who to call!)
  

If you would like more information about Key Nutrition or would like to see if nutrition could help you with a health issue, we offer free 10 minute information sessions with out therapists to give you an opportunity to ask questions you may have.

This word is basically on my banned list (along with a couple of other words, they'll get their own blog post later). I've called out almost every client I have ever worked with on this word because of its damaging ramifications. And if you were to pick one at random they'd probably say "yep, she totally said that to me".

This loathed word is can't. Any clients reading this now can probably hear my voice in their heads saying "there's no such thing as can't, there's only won't". And I totally believe that.

Sure - you can't fly, you can't turn your legs into wheels and you can't develop psychic abilities. All those things are the boundaries of our existence, the givens of our world. The natural laws that we are all bound by can not be changed in those ways...psychics may prove me wrong on some of these but not for a while I think.

So what do I mean when I say "there's no such thing as can't, only won't". Let's use an example:

• I can't go on holiday this summer
• I won't go on holiday this summer

The former statement implies you have no choice in the matter. The latter begs the question "why not?". Why won't you on holiday this summer? You can't afford to pay for it or you don't want to make some short term sacrifices to save up the money for your holiday? The choice is always yours. Plenty of people CAN (and do) save up the money to go on holiday so it's not a REAL can't.

You can't leave your job even though you hate it. Maybe you're choosing not to leave your job because although you loathe it, it feels safer than being in the job market. You're making that choice. The choice is up to you. There's no judgement, none at all, in admitting the job market is a scary place to be and it's not for you right now. That's totally fine, but don't lie to yourself and say you can't leave your job. Reframe it by saying - I choose not to leave my job right now. I don't enjoy the work I do but I do like the secuirty this job offers me right now.

Try it for a bit in your own life. Every time you say you can't do something, question it. Is it that you can't or is that you don't want to?

And I'd love to hear your feedback on this one. I invite any and all of you to email me about this little experiment. What changes do you notice? How hard was it? Has your understanding of your choices changed?

I'll be the only one reading those emails, so don't be shy - tamarisk@twochairscounselling.co.uk

Belatedly, here we are at the end of my little mini series on different types of relationships. Interdependent relationships really are the holy grail, they are about forming allies and partnerships. Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings. Not as scary as it sounds...it simply means we allow ourselves to trust someone else. Yes, they might hurt you but, as the saying goes, nothing ventured nothing gained.

When I was studying my post grad one of my tutors described an interdependent relationship. Truthfully, it was so naff it made me gag but I haven't (try as I might) been able to find a better metaphor - so here goes. An interdependent relationship is like two hands clapping. They come together and move apart but the fingers don't (or rarely) become interlaced.

Interdependent relationships aren't about two halves coming together to make a whole. They are about two whole people who come together to create a third entity within their relationship. They are relationships that, by and large, allow each person enough space to do their thing with support and encouragement from the other.

They allow for some vulnerability. Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. It is impossible to love without giving away some power. When we choose to love someone we are saying to them, often implicitly, you have some power over my happiness.

In order to live we need to be interdependent. We cannot participate in life without giving away some power over our feelings and our welfare. I am not talking here just about people. If we put money in a bank we are giving some power over our feelings and welfare to that bank (and look where that got us...maybe that was a bad example but I'm sure you'll get what I mean). If we have a car we have a dependence on it and will have feelings if something happens to it (I don't have a car, but I do have a boiler. I had A LOT of feelings about my boiler when it stopped working on Friday because I depend on it). Unless you live alone on a remote island we have to be interdependent to some extent and give some power away. The key is to be conscious in our choices and own responsibility for the consequences.

The way to healthy interdependence is to strive to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. Co-dependence, which we looked at first in this series, causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar, usually learned and laid down during childhood. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. But by cultivating interdependent relationships, we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change our patterns and learn to trust ourselves.

We must accept that we're vulnerable, that we have needs like the need to be love and be loved in return. It's not about being needy (that's co-dependent) and it's not about an attitude of "I'm an island, I don't need anyone" (that's independent/commitment phobic). What it is about is a point of tension - knowing and trusting yourself enough to move towards someone else and also letting go enough to allow them to come towards you, to admit that yes, they do have some power over your happiness but that it's OK because you trust yourself and you trust them.

Good lord! One week ago, Sally's column (yeah...that's right...Sally. We're on first name terms now) inspired me to write a series of posts about different relationship styles and would you believe it she delivered on my last post with about commitment-phobia. Haven't read it yet? Read it here

Maybe she reads my blog. Crivens. Hello...Sally...? Well, anyway, here's today's post for you guys to check out - My boyfriend won't say he loves me because he thinks it's dangerous.

Next post in this series is on interdependent relationships...stay tuned.

There’s a joke in this post!

Right, let’s get started - this type of relationship can feel a bit whatever…as in you feel like your partner is a “whatever” towards you. At the extreme end of the spectrum this type of relationship is our old friend commitment phobia. When asked what it feels like to be in a relationship, independent types will say it feels like being stuck or trapped or that they feel out of control.

The most common “symptoms”, I don’t like that word, how about traits…the most common traits of someone who’s into an independent way of relating to others in their lives, particularly important people look a bit like this:

• Criticism of their partner – pretty straight forward that one
• Hurting or upsetting their partner – often this can seem like sabotage
• Seeming scared of getting notice – getting noticed means getting involved, getting involved is frightening for them
• Setting unrealistic goals – this is often an escape technique, they might have got closer than they intended and now they’re freaking, so they justify by saying things like “if only he/she was taller…earned more money…didn’t have such a nut-nut family”
• Choosing unavailable partners – your boyfriend is married…? ALL your ex-boyfriends were married TOO? You gotta ask yourself at this stage why do you actively seek relationships with unavailable people?
• Choosing unavailable partners mark II – the long-distance relationship…don’t get me wrong, plenty of them do work but at what point are you (or they) willing to give up life in Millions-of-miles-away-ville to move to be close to your partner?
• Yo-Yo-ing Effect – What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle! Funny. But seriously, that’s what happens in the yo-yo style of relating, the independent person freaks out, leaves, starts to feel alone and empty come back…something triggers their freak-out

Something I didn’t point out in my previous post about relationships is that a lot of the time, we’re all doing a little bit of each of these things and that’s healthy. Please don’t freak out reading my shopping list of traits! Sometimes you’re going through a rough patch and, yes, if we’re being honest…you are being overly critical of your partner, or they of you. But if you or someone you love is doing a lot of these things a lot of time…well then it becomes a very painful and hurtful problem. And I honestly don’t have a quick fix answer for you (and frankly, anyone who does you should run away from. Run away from them and don’t give them any of your money). My aim with this series of posts is just to educate you about different styles of relating.

You are so welcome to email me if you’ve got questions or worries…I’d really welcome that.

This is the first in series of posts about different types of relationships - co-dependent, independent and interdependent relationships. I hope you'll recognise yourself in all of them, possibly you'll identify with one of them more than the others, but my feeling is we all oscillate between them all.

I was reading the papers on the weekend, rushing to Sally Brampton's advice column in the Sunday Times...as usual and her column this week really struck a chord with me. The relationship that's described sounds so destructive and hurtful, and as usual I thought Sally's advice was great (you can read it here). But it did get me thinking about ways of relating to others in our lives.

We'll start with co-dependency, otherwise known as caretakers. Caretakers operate from the belief that they are responsible for others feelings, they think that when they do things right, the other person will be happy and then they'll get the approval and happiness they crave. Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants in order to meet the wants and needs of others, frequently when the other is perfectly capable of doing it for themselves and never even asked for the help. Caretakers give to others from a place of fear rather than love - they give to get.

Caretakers do not take responsibility for their own feelings, they attempt to have control over getting other people's approval in covert, subtle ways such as compliance, doing too much for other and/or withholding their opinions and wants. I hope it's becoming obvious that this sort of martyr complex results in feelings of resentment, anger, feeling unappreciated, unseen, unloved and ignored.

If this way of relating to a significant other in your life...and it doesn't have to be with a boyfriend, it can be with a close friend, it's because you're expecting the other person to take responsibility for your feelings, you're asking them to meet a need you're not able to meet for yourself. When you're not seeing, acknowledging or valuing yourself and when you're not attending to your own wants and needs, you'll end up feeling upset when other people treat you the way you're treating yourself.

How to heal this? It's a process of learning to take responsibility for your feelings for yourself. Throw a metaphorical pebble at any one of my clients and they'll tell you how annoying I am at getting them to say "I feel..." instead of "you feel...". The former is about taking responsibility for your feelings, the latter is making it general as if the whole world feels that way rather just you.

Taking 100% responsibility for your feelings is one of the essential ingredients for successful relationships. It means being conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what it is you do that creates the resulting feelings and emotions, instead of being a victim and believing that other people cause your feeling. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to rifts - does this sound familiar - "you make me feel neglected when you go to the pub with your mates!". Rephrasing it to "when you go to the pub, I feel neglected" is very different.

Here are some resources that might help if any of what I've said in this post resonates with you (yes, some of these are affiliate links. Being a therapist doesn't exempt you from having to pay bills...sadly. However, please be reassured that I only recommend stuff I think is worth the financial investment)

• Co-Dependents Anonymous - Oh yes, a twelve step programme, Check out their website for more resources and info on co-dependent relationships
• How to be an Existentialist by Gary Cox - get it here. I've given this book the big up before. It's just the mut's nuts in my humble opinion!
• Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap - a very hopeful book which sets co-dependency within the context of development and attachment theory, get it here
• Codependent No More - weird cover that makes it look like a loo cleaning product, possibly a bit too gushy/American/higher power for some UK readers but it is a great book if you can get past that. It consistently gets great reviews, get it here

Finally, counselling can really help with this, getting insight into how you are in the world can be like seeing the wood for the trees...a more objective, outsider view can really help. You know where I am, I'm here.