Two Chairs Counselling

Listen up...we're moving, I found us a nicer hang out!

2010-04-03T04:20:00.000-07:00

I will admit to not being particularly tech savvy...I started tinkering with this blog, trying to add new themes to make it look pretty. Turns out my CSS/HTML coding knowledge isn't up to much and I basically broke this blog.

What I really wanted was for this blog to be integrated within my website so that you can hang out with me in the one place, rather than having to click away and go somewhere else. So I found a guy and he made that happen.

I've got us a fancy pants new website with a blog integrated into it! Exciting! I even got all the posts that are here migrated over there. I'll leave this up for you guys but all new posts will be going on at the new site, so come and hang with me at the new home of Two Chairs Counselling

I've written a new post already, check it out - 5 Relationship Myths, Mistakes and Misconceptions

How nutrition can have a powerful effect on stress

2010-03-29T02:46:00.000-07:00

I've convinced my good friend Elspeth Stewart at Key Nutrition to guest blog for us! Exciting! So, without further a do, here's some expert advice on how nutrition can have a powerful effect on stress management -

A large percentage of our clients come to us with health symptoms that are linked to stress – they are often unaware that stress is a factor until we explain what is going on behind the scenes - many report that their nutrition programme not only brings about improvement in health symptoms but also improves their ability to deal with stress on a daily basis.

We regularly work with corporate clients who are faced with stress, long hours and ‘eat on the run’ and we always look for realistic solutions that will fit in their hectic lifestyle.

What is stress?

How can it affect you and what can you do to support your body against its damaging effects? Stress may be caused by anything an individual finds challenging:

· Financial pressures

· Relationship problems

· Work pressures

· Social pressures

· Family pressures

· Environmental pollutants

· Nutrient deficiencies

· Poor blood sugar management

· Food allergies

· Digestive issues

· Long term illness

· Inflammatory disorders

· Nicotine

· Caffeine

· Excessive exercise

· Poor sleep quality

· Physical injury

· Getting over-heated or too cold

What happens when we are stressed?

The stress response in humans has not changed much since prehistoric times - it is our ‘fight or flight’ response, designed to either help us fight or run from a threatening situation.

In response to stress our adrenal glands release adrenalin and cortisol. These hormones mobilise glucose from our glycogen stores in order to push up blood sugar levels, thus giving the body fuel to enable ‘fight or flight’. Adrenalin and cortisol are also responsible for other physiological changes such as slowing down digestion, increasing blood pressure and mobilising fats and calcium into the bloodstream.

These reactions are very useful if we are faced with physical danger as they prepare the body for intense physical activity. However, modern stressors rarely require a physical response and that is why stress can be so damaging to health.

Prolonged Stress and adrenal exhaustion

Although we do we do need some stress hormones for normal functioning, it’s not good to be in a regular state of stress with persistently high cortisol levels.

The stress response uses up valuable nutrients leaving the rest of the body short of:

Zinc Magnesium Vitamin C B5

This can result in symptoms which at first glance don’t ‘seem’ to be stress related but are actually linked. Poor skin health, PMS, low immunity, IBS and depression are all classic ‘knock-on’ effects of chronic stress.

Prolonged periods of stress can cause the adrenal glands to grow tired of constantly pushing out stress hormones. Eventually output of cortisol can drop below optimal levels. This can leave you suffering from adrenal exhaustion/fatigue.

Signs of adrenal exhaustion

· Lacking concentration, fuzzy head, brain fog

· Frequent infections or increased time to recover from illness, injury or trauma (cortisol is involved in immune function)

· Sleep disturbances

· Feeling wide awake late at night

· Cravings for sugar, salt or caffeine

· Difficulty getting going in the morning (maybe you NEED that cup of coffee before you can function)

· Depression

· Increased PMS

· Poor memory

· Low blood pressure (Light headed when standing up quickly)

· Decreased sex drive

· Constantly exhausted

Managing Stress

We can’t always change the external stressors in our lives. However, through good nutrition and basic lifestyle changes we can do a lot to help support our bodies to deal better with them.

Dietary support

· Manage blood sugar levels by eating a low glycaemic diet. When blood sugar dips stress hormones are released to bring sugar levels back up – therefore tiring the adrenal glands further. (Our team could provide guidance on low glycaemic eating.)

· Eat protein with every meal and snack as this helps blood glucose control.

· Don’t skip meals. Ensure that you eat at least every 3 or 4 hours. Small, regular meals help to maintain energy levels and mood, while decreasing tiredness, irritability and stimulating our metabolic rate.

· Avoid stimulants like tea, coffee, tobacco. Although they provide a temporary energy boost they cause the release of stress hormones thus burdening the adrenals further. They also deplete many essential nutrients.

· Eat a whole food diet rich in fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds. Nutrients that specifically support the adrenal glands are:

o Vitamin C. Found in most fresh fruit and vegetables.

o Magnesium. Dramatically depleted in times of stress. Found in dark green leafy vegetables, wholegrains, nuts and seeds.

o Vitamin B5. Directly supports adrenal cortex function and hormone production. Sources include wholegrains, nuts and seeds. Best sources are liver and kidney.

· Aim to drink at least 1 – 1½ litres of filtered/ bottled water throughout the day, which can include herbal teas.

· Identify and avoid food allergens.

· Address any digestive issues.

Lifestyle

Aim for at least 7 hours sleep each night. Quality sleep is very important for long term health and regeneration. (Our team can help with programmes for sleep issues)

Take regular, low impact exercise.* For those with significantly depleted adrenal hormones, intensive cardiovascular exercise will further deplete adrenal reserves. Gentle exercises such as yoga, pilates, swimming and brisk walking are all excellent alternatives and are often calming in themselves. *Consult your GP before starting a new exercise programme.

Regular relaxation needs to be built into our daily lives. Reading, bathing, massage, meditation, yoga ant tai chi are all beneficial at reducing stress.

In some cases, we recommend clients consider counselling along side nutritional therapy – whether there is a specific issue being addressed or perhaps it can provide an opportunity to lean new, positive thought processes to improve outlook and thereby reduce your levels of perceived stress...(you know who to call!)

If you would like more information about Key Nutrition or would like to see if nutrition could help you with a health issue, we offer free 10 minute information sessions with out therapists to give you an opportunity to ask questions you may have.

How changing one word can change your life

2010-03-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

This word is basically on my banned list (along with a couple of other words, they'll get their own blog post later). I've called out almost every client I have ever worked with on this word because of its damaging ramifications. And if you were to pick one at random they'd probably say "yep, she totally said that to me".

This loathed word is can't. Any clients reading this now can probably hear my voice in their heads saying "there's no such thing as can't, there's only won't". And I totally believe that.

Sure - you can't fly, you can't turn your legs into wheels and you can't develop psychic abilities. All those things are the boundaries of our existence, the givens of our world. The natural laws that we are all bound by can not be changed in those ways...psychics may prove me wrong on some of these but not for a while I think.

So what do I mean when I say "there's no such thing as can't, only won't". Let's use an example:

I can't go on holiday this summer
I won't go on holiday this summer

The former statement implies you have no choice in the matter. The latter begs the question "why not?". Why won't you on holiday this summer? You can't afford to pay for it or you don't want to make some short term sacrifices to save up the money for your holiday? The choice is always yours. Plenty of people CAN (and do) save up the money to go on holiday so it's not a REAL can't.

You can't leave your job even though you hate it. Maybe you're choosing not to leave your job because although you loathe it, it feels safer than being in the job market. You're making that choice. The choice is up to you. There's no judgement, none at all, in admitting the job market is a scary place to be and it's not for you right now. That's totally fine, but don't lie to yourself and say you can't leave your job. Reframe it by saying - I choose not to leave my job right now. I don't enjoy the work I do but I do like the secuirty this job offers me right now.

Try it for a bit in your own life. Every time you say you can't do something, question it. Is it that you can't or is that you don't want to?

And I'd love to hear your feedback on this one. I invite any and all of you to email me about this little experiment. What changes do you notice? How hard was it? Has your understanding of your choices changed?

I'll be the only one reading those emails, so don't be shy - tamarisk@twochairscounselling.co.uk

Why you need to be needy and why that's not a bad thing

2010-03-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

Belatedly, here we are at the end of my little mini series on different types of relationships. Interdependent relationships really are the holy grail, they are about forming allies and partnerships. Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings. Not as scary as it sounds...it simply means we allow ourselves to trust someone else. Yes, they might hurt you but, as the saying goes, nothing ventured nothing gained.

When I was studying my post grad one of my tutors described an interdependent relationship. Truthfully, it was so naff it made me gag but I haven't (try as I might) been able to find a better metaphor - so here goes. An interdependent relationship is like two hands clapping. They come together and move apart but the fingers don't (or rarely) become interlaced.

Interdependent relationships aren't about two halves coming together to make a whole. They are about two whole people who come together to create a third entity within their relationship. They are relationships that, by and large, allow each person enough space to do their thing with support and encouragement from the other.

They allow for some vulnerability. Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. It is impossible to love without giving away some power. When we choose to love someone we are saying to them, often implicitly, you have some power over my happiness.

In order to live we need to be interdependent. We cannot participate in life without giving away some power over our feelings and our welfare. I am not talking here just about people. If we put money in a bank we are giving some power over our feelings and welfare to that bank (and look where that got us...maybe that was a bad example but I'm sure you'll get what I mean). If we have a car we have a dependence on it and will have feelings if something happens to it (I don't have a car, but I do have a boiler. I had A LOT of feelings about my boiler when it stopped working on Friday because I depend on it). Unless you live alone on a remote island we have to be interdependent to some extent and give some power away. The key is to be conscious in our choices and own responsibility for the consequences.

The way to healthy interdependence is to strive to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. Co-dependence, which we looked at first in this series, causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar, usually learned and laid down during childhood. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. But by cultivating interdependent relationships, we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change our patterns and learn to trust ourselves.

We must accept that we're vulnerable, that we have needs like the need to be love and be loved in return. It's not about being needy (that's co-dependent) and it's not about an attitude of "I'm an island, I don't need anyone" (that's independent/commitment phobic). What it is about is a point of tension - knowing and trusting yourself enough to move towards someone else and also letting go enough to allow them to come towards you, to admit that yes, they do have some power over your happiness but that it's OK because you trust yourself and you trust them.

Guys! I think Sally reads my blog!

2010-03-14T13:43:00.001-07:00

Good lord! One week ago, Sally's column (yeah...that's right...Sally. We're on first name terms now) inspired me to write a series of posts about different relationship styles and would you believe it she delivered on my last post with about commitment-phobia. Haven't read it yet? Read it here

Maybe she reads my blog. Crivens. Hello...Sally...? Well, anyway, here's today's post for you guys to check out - My boyfriend won't say he loves me because he thinks it's dangerous.

Next post in this series is on interdependent relationships...stay tuned.

Inpendence Day or what a commitment phobic looks like

2010-03-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

There’s a joke in this post!

Right, let’s get started - this type of relationship can feel a bit whatever…as in you feel like your partner is a “whatever” towards you. At the extreme end of the spectrum this type of relationship is our old friend commitment phobia. When asked what it feels like to be in a relationship, independent types will say it feels like being stuck or trapped or that they feel out of control.

The most common “symptoms”, I don’t like that word, how about traits…the most common traits of someone who’s into an independent way of relating to others in their lives, particularly important people look a bit like this:

• Criticism of their partner – pretty straight forward that one
• Hurting or upsetting their partner – often this can seem like sabotage
• Seeming scared of getting notice – getting noticed means getting involved, getting involved is frightening for them
• Setting unrealistic goals – this is often an escape technique, they might have got closer than they intended and now they’re freaking, so they justify by saying things like “if only he/she was taller…earned more money…didn’t have such a nut-nut family”
• Choosing unavailable partners – your boyfriend is married…? ALL your ex-boyfriends were married TOO? You gotta ask yourself at this stage why do you actively seek relationships with unavailable people?
• Choosing unavailable partners mark II – the long-distance relationship…don’t get me wrong, plenty of them do work but at what point are you (or they) willing to give up life in Millions-of-miles-away-ville to move to be close to your partner?
• Yo-Yo-ing Effect – What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle! Funny. But seriously, that’s what happens in the yo-yo style of relating, the independent person freaks out, leaves, starts to feel alone and empty come back…something triggers their freak-out

Something I didn’t point out in my previous post about relationships is that a lot of the time, we’re all doing a little bit of each of these things and that’s healthy. Please don’t freak out reading my shopping list of traits! Sometimes you’re going through a rough patch and, yes, if we’re being honest…you are being overly critical of your partner, or they of you. But if you or someone you love is doing a lot of these things a lot of time…well then it becomes a very painful and hurtful problem. And I honestly don’t have a quick fix answer for you (and frankly, anyone who does you should run away from. Run away from them and don’t give them any of your money). My aim with this series of posts is just to educate you about different styles of relating.

You are so welcome to email me if you’ve got questions or worries…I’d really welcome that.

Three is the magic number - 1

2010-03-08T02:57:00.000-08:00

This is the first in series of posts about different types of relationships - co-dependent, independent and interdependent relationships. I hope you'll recognise yourself in all of them, possibly you'll identify with one of them more than the others, but my feeling is we all oscillate between them all.

I was reading the papers on the weekend, rushing to Sally Brampton's advice column in the Sunday Times...as usual and her column this week really struck a chord with me. The relationship that's described sounds so destructive and hurtful, and as usual I thought Sally's advice was great (you can read it here). But it did get me thinking about ways of relating to others in our lives.

We'll start with co-dependency, otherwise known as caretakers. Caretakers operate from the belief that they are responsible for others feelings, they think that when they do things right, the other person will be happy and then they'll get the approval and happiness they crave. Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants in order to meet the wants and needs of others, frequently when the other is perfectly capable of doing it for themselves and never even asked for the help. Caretakers give to others from a place of fear rather than love - they give to get.

Caretakers do not take responsibility for their own feelings, they attempt to have control over getting other people's approval in covert, subtle ways such as compliance, doing too much for other and/or withholding their opinions and wants. I hope it's becoming obvious that this sort of martyr complex results in feelings of resentment, anger, feeling unappreciated, unseen, unloved and ignored.

If this way of relating to a significant other in your life...and it doesn't have to be with a boyfriend, it can be with a close friend, it's because you're expecting the other person to take responsibility for your feelings, you're asking them to meet a need you're not able to meet for yourself. When you're not seeing, acknowledging or valuing yourself and when you're not attending to your own wants and needs, you'll end up feeling upset when other people treat you the way you're treating yourself.

How to heal this? It's a process of learning to take responsibility for your feelings for yourself. Throw a metaphorical pebble at any one of my clients and they'll tell you how annoying I am at getting them to say "I feel..." instead of "you feel...". The former is about taking responsibility for your feelings, the latter is making it general as if the whole world feels that way rather just you.

Taking 100% responsibility for your feelings is one of the essential ingredients for successful relationships. It means being conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what it is you do that creates the resulting feelings and emotions, instead of being a victim and believing that other people cause your feeling. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to rifts - does this sound familiar - "you make me feel neglected when you go to the pub with your mates!". Rephrasing it to "when you go to the pub, I feel neglected" is very different.

Here are some resources that might help if any of what I've said in this post resonates with you (yes, some of these are affiliate links. Being a therapist doesn't exempt you from having to pay bills...sadly. However, please be reassured that I only recommend stuff I think is worth the financial investment)

Co-Dependents Anonymous - Oh yes, a twelve step programme, Check out their website for more resources and info on co-dependent relationships
How to be an Existentialist by Gary Cox - get it here. I've given this book the big up before. It's just the mut's nuts in my humble opinion!
Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap - a very hopeful book which sets co-dependency within the context of development and attachment theory, get it here
Codependent No More - weird cover that makes it look like a loo cleaning product, possibly a bit too gushy/American/higher power for some UK readers but it is a great book if you can get past that. It consistently gets great reviews, get it here

Finally, counselling can really help with this, getting insight into how you are in the world can be like seeing the wood for the trees...a more objective, outsider view can really help. You know where I am, I'm here.

Are you a therapist? Want some more?

2010-03-07T09:25:00.000-08:00

This is a post for any therapists who read this blog. I've launched a site for you! It's about marketing your practice. You can find it here.

You'll find posts on the following -

Websites - why? how? must I?
Find out why I think you should specialise
Did you know that if you're selling a service then you are your brand

Sign up for my email updates when you're there. You can also sign up for my newsletter now that you're here - over on the right there, see? Thaaaaaat's it. Thanks!

Reducing stress at work

2010-03-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

Feeling stressed out work? Well we all do sometimes, don't we. The key to any stress management programme or techniques is the belief that alternatives are possible. (If you're following me on Twitter you might have notice a related post...! @twochairslondon if you aren't following me yet). The feeling of being trapped and without choices can be the greatest stressor of all.

There are two ways to manage stress in the work place; reduce the environmental aspects that are causing the stress and/or change how you respond to the things that are stressful for you. Remember, even when you can't change the situation, you're always in control of how you choose to respond.

So here are some tips:

Be appropiately assertive and don't feel guilty about setting boundaries and limits. Learn the power of saying no when necessary.
Recognise that stressful situations can often arise from someone else's inefficiency. Are they responding by being reactive rather pro-active? You have a choice here not to carried by their sense of panic.
Stuff outside the office might be affecting what's happening in the office - a colleague might have broken up with a boyfriend, your boss might not be getting much sleep if his wife has just had a baby...recognise that you did not cause the problem and that you're not responsible for their consequences.
Practice relaxation skills - meditating really is all its cracked up to be. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress. And yes, alcohol and drugs are more likely to make things worse.

10 ways to find a good therapist

2010-03-01T03:37:00.000-08:00

In this body obsessed culture we live in, when we want to make physical changes we know exactly where to go and what to do - start running, join the gym and religiously follow an eating programme. But how and where do you go about starting an emotional exercise regime? Here are 10 tips on finding a good therapist -

Forget the Yellow Pages - I'm sure you have for everything else you're trying to find. Instead look for online counselling directories. If you're readin this and you're looking for a therapist right now, you'll find the links on the right helpful.
Ask someone you know who's had therapy - A personal recommendation is a really good place to start.
Ask a professional - Your GP surgery is very likely to offer some sort of counselling, very likely to be short term. Be prepared for the possibility of a waiting list.
Use a known therapist as a resource - ask me! I'm very happy to answer any questions or queries as best as I can. You can email me.
Use resources at work - A lot of bigger companies run Employee Assistance Programmes. The best way to enquire about this is usually to have a conversation with your HR department. You don't have to specific, you can just say you're dealing with something in your personal life you think it would helpful to get some perspective on.
Charities are resources - A number of charities exsist to provide counselling to particular issues or client groups eg: Cruse Bereavement Support, the Cancer Counselling Trust, Mind...
Check with your health insurance - Some health insurers in the UK like Bupa etc offer psychological support, give them a quick call to find out if you're covered for this. They will have a list of approved providers that they can refer you to.
Use the internet - Researching therapists on the web will give you a much clearer idea of who's out there, how much they charge, where they're based and so on.
Google them! - Once you've done a bit of research you can Google them. They might have a blog or have published some articles and discovering these will help you get a better picture of them.
Don't limit yourself - some therapists are still quite old school and don't have an online presence. That doesn't mean they won't be the perfect match for you.

The most important thing to remember is to be picky. An emotional work out can be just as tiring (and sometimes painful) as a physical one, so make sure you're picking the right trainer!

Would I lie to you?

2010-02-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

Why would you lie to your therapist? Seems like a stupid thing to do doesn't it. Why, when you're paying good money, would you withhold information from them? Well, maybe you've come to therapy because you're a compulsive liar, but let's assume that the majority of clients aren't.

For a therapist, it's an honest question to grapple with...especially if you've been working with a client for a while and they suddenly mention something huge like, I don't know, their mother committed suicide when they were 15. A revelation like that can really leave the therapist reeling and although it's not a classic lie, it could be framed as lying by omission. The client isn't being intentionally untruthful.

There are a number of reasons why you may not mention something big like that to your therapist -

It's painful or embarrassing - Discussing an issue that might be embarrassing, painful or shameful is difficult no matter who you're talking to. We're not good at talking about things that are difficult. We might have spent years avoiding talking about it and that has become an important coping strategy. Just because you've started therapy, doesn't suddenly make it easy to talk about.
Didn't know it was important or are in denial - Is it really a lie if you don't realise it's important? An issue that you believe isn't important to the therapy, may in fact turn out to be pivotal when it's finally revealed. This may be due to a lack of insight...something therapy is designed to improve, but it may be because you're in denial, you may have convinced youself that particular thoughts about the "lie" are true when they've not, or you may not be ready to explore things from a different perspective.
My therapist will judge me - Some therapists do judge clients for what they tell them in therapy, or dismiss their concerns or emotional responses, and that’s a reason many people hold back in baring their souls in psychotherapy. It's happened to me before with a therapist I was seeing and I terminated the contract. Some therapists don’t listen when that’s their primary responsibility. Such behavior can leave you feeling a lot worse about yourself, when therapy is intended to help you feel better about yourself. A client often will clam up and stop being truthful (“Everything’s fine!”) because they’ve learned their current therapist simply isn’t going to help them.
Trust and rapport with your therapist - The process of developing a solid relationship with your therapist takes time and energy...on both sides. Without a strong rapport and a solid basis of trust in each other, it can be difficult to feel comfortable revealing all you could or should within your therapy. Trust has to be earned and you may well feel safer reserving some facts about yourself until you feel the trust is in place. If you don't trust your therapist, you're unlikely to share everything with your therapist in the first couple of sessions.
Lying as a coping mechanism - Often, people learn to lie skillfully in order to avoid continued abuse or trauma. Undoing the common use of that coping mechanism will take time, even with a skilled and trusted therapist.
It just takes time - As human, social beings, we’ve learned to wear certain masks that aren’t always easy to let drop just because we should. The therapeutic process is a messy and complex one. Both you and your therapist must take the time and make the effort to seek the truth. For some people, trust and rapport may not be enough. It may take a long time to be able to talk to a therapist about years of struggle with an experience. There are layers and layers of “truth” and a psychotherapeutic relationship can be both dynamic and complex.

Research for this article can be found over here

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

2010-02-22T05:07:00.000-08:00

Today seems like the perfect time for a post with some hints and tips in it! I'm referring of course to the furore surrounding the accusations of bullying at No.10, so I thought I'd share some wisdom on how to deal with a work place bully -

The first step is to realise that what is going on IS bullying...not that you're dropping the ball, doing a bad job or that you deserve to spoken to/treated this way.
Once you've realised that you are being bullied (and please remember that it can be subtle sometimes), keep a diary of the incidents of the bullying behaviour...obviously recording the date and time is key. Also, if you're being bullied in any written correspondence, keep copies.
If possible, summon up the courage to approach the bully. Stay calm and professional, present what you feel the bullying behaviour is and ask them to stop. Be ready for the bully to take an aggressive approach to your request, be ready also for them to stop the behaviour for a little while only for it to return at a later date.
Approach your Human Resources department with the facts, this is where your diary will come in very handy. Ask them what steps they will take and how they will keep you informed about how your complaint is being handled.
Remember that behind the bully is still a person with feelings - however hard that may be. Sinking to their level is not the way to go, and there is very likely to be a reason why this person has to result to such degrading behaviour to get by in life.
Finally, it is worth considering finding another job if the behaviour doesn't improve. That is not a sign of weakness or that you've failed, rather it's a significant step is publicly stating that your mental health and peace of mind is more important to you than working in a toxic environment, it demonstrates a healthy respect for your self-esteem and your self-respect.

If you are dealing with a work place bully, counselling can also help. You can get in touch with me here

Get some good habits

2010-02-19T01:27:00.000-08:00

Over at PsychCentral they're talking about about the 7 habits of existentially vibrant living. I thought they were on the money, so I'm listing them here too:

1. Cultivate the habit of making your own meaning
2. Cultivate the habit of noticing ordinary perfection
3. Cultivate the habit of being in the moment
4. Cultivate the habit of making conscious choices
5. Cultivate the habit of self-acceptance
6. Cultivate the habit of accepting uncertainty
7. Cultivate the habit of forgiving and compassion

Get some FREE stuff!

2010-02-13T09:23:00.001-08:00

The question I get asked by my friends and acquaintances ALL THE TIME is this - I'm thinking about starting counselling but I have no idea what to expect, would it be alright if we had a chat about it?

I always say yes. I've done the same to friends who have some type of specialist knowledge which I know nothing about and I've always been grateful that they bothered. I've also helped friends chat about counselling and it really helps to lessen the anxiety about it all.

So, I thought I'd open this out to people I don't know. Searching the internet will only get you so far, sometimes it's really helpful to actually talk to someone...so I'm making myself available to everyone, if anyone out there wants to have a free conversation about counselling, therapy, what the difference is between the two, what's this CBT I've read about, how much, how long etc, etc, etc.

Email me here to arrange a time to chat.

Chemistry Lessons

2010-02-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

I thought about what to write in this post for a while, I hunted around the web looking for some inspiration and came up a bit short...nothing really grabbed me, nothing made me think "Ooooo, I want to share this with my readers!" (Whoever you are...still not sure if it's more than just my family that read this, sometimes I'm not even sure they do!).

I was actually thinking about a post related to Valentine's Day and this post is sort of related. I realised as I got to the end of my working week how much fantastic chemistry seems to be happening between my clients and I at the moment.

In my private practice I have the luxury of choosing who I work with but I also work within the NHS where clients are just referred to me. With some of those clients I'm able to work long term, with others, we only have six sessions and with only six sessions it can be hard to coax people out of their shell and earn their trust in just six weeks. But right now I'm basking in the glow of what feels like very genuine chemistry with my clients and I love it when it's like this.

This week there have been tears, sadness, anger...even a few "where is your anger?" moments! There have been laughs and reasons to celebrate too. But with each and every client this week there seem to have been some deeply touching moments where I've been granted access to some of the most private spaces and there have been heart-felt and genuine thanks for my time. It's these moments that make me realise that if I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd do this work for free. So if any of my clients actually read this, let me say thank you for choosing me as your therapist. To my NHS clients who just happened to get me...I'm glad I got you.

So, chemistry...it's important in all sorts of relationships.

My Favourite Thing

2010-02-09T04:01:00.000-08:00

A short post this one.

Last week a client said to me "what we talked about last week really helped...it made me feel so much better".

That's my favourite thing about this job. It's not only that I helped that particular client but when that client starts to feel better, the ripple effect goes out to all the people that client interacts with. That I get to help people I'll never meet just by making one person feel more able to cope and take on the world is, well, awesome!

How Does That Make You Feel?

2010-02-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

I caught a new radio drama on Radio 4 yesterday - How Does That Make You Feel? (Ordinary Is Not Enough) - it's on the iplayer at the moment, the first two episode anyway, find it here

I've only heard the first episode, but I rather liked it. So far it seems to be about a therapist who's kind of failing on the job satisfaction front! She's working with clients who she finds annoying and frustrating. Well, we all work with people who are annoying and frustrating sometimes but for a therapist all of those feelings end up being grist for mill.

But it did get me thinking about how and why therapist "self-care" is so important. It's a job where you are daily at the coal face of emotional turmoil, that's a lot to leave at the office when you close the door at the end of the day.

For me though, good therapist self care should be an important priority not only so you can stay fresh for yourself and your clients but also to be able to show and model good self care to clients. It's something that some clients do need help with and having some ideas up your sleeve that you can explore with clients can be helpful.

I've also had some excellent tips from clients. One client discovered a terrific series of meditation podcasts that worked really well, I got the recommendation, downloaded them myself and have gone on to recommend them to lots of friends, family and other clients! I'm reminded of a really cheeky dedication in one of Winnicott's books - he dedicated the book to "all my clients, who paid to teach me".

The most depressing day?

2010-01-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

Well apparently it's today. In my previous life I was in public relations, so I'm very skeptical of this sort of news story...and this one in particular comes up every single year. I know that because it was my job to read the newspapers every single day. According to the "science" it's the perfect storm of the following -

Light levels. While it is not technically the day with the least sunlight - that’s December 21st, the “Winter Solstice” - weather patterns often conspire in late January to deprive us of the sunlight we might otherwise enjoy,
Christmas bills come due around this time, and - especially in this economy - that’s a harsh blow,
Even those remarkable individuals who have faithfully stuck to their New Year’s resolutions for a few weeks, are now beginning to falter.

I actually felt great this morning, my morning bike ride was a breeze instead of a struggle despite the rain, I'm busy but not too busy and I've got lots of exciting things to look forward to in both my professional and my personal life. I just hope that you, my readers, haven't had the most depressing day today!

The Premier Interview

2010-01-15T03:46:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine very kindly agreed to let me interview her about her experiences of counselling - thank you friend who shall remain nameless! Personally, I found it a very honest and moving account of her experience, I hope you do too.

What brought you to counselling?

A relationship break-up. After the relationship ended I really felt like I hit rock bottom. I’ve dealt with my fair share of crises before that point but there seemed to be far more practical solutions to deal with those, this time around it wasn’t about dusting myself down and carrying on, I really felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me. All the hopes and dreams that had been tied up in that relationship came crashing down when it ended. Suddenly the world became a barren place where nothing could or would ever grow again. It definitely felt like the right time to explore my “me-ness”, I wanted to make a detailed assessment of my life, of myself and get to know myself a bit better. I also felt it was time to re-set my boundaries and start asserting them with others.That famous part of the serenity prayer really struck me - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I knew I needed some help in finding that wisdom.

How long have you been in counselling?
12 months

Is this your first experience of counselling?

No, I’ve previously had it a couple of times before. I’ve had NHS coping strategies for health issues, I’m pretty sure that was CBT type stuff. That lasted for six months and was helpful because it was very practical and helped me by giving me strategies I could draw on. That actually led onto a referral for psychotherapy with a psychiatrist. I didn’t realise I was seeing a full on shrink until the day of the appointment and I immediately hated it because seeing a shrink was synonymous with “nutter” in my mind! The psychiatrist immediately said he wanted to put me on anti-depressants which rubbed me up the wrong way, I was on enough medication at the time and didn’t want any more. And I didn’t think of myself as depressed or needing anti-depressants. I was also scared of the process, a lot of very painful stuff has happened to me in my past and I was scared of talking about it. I didn’t feel ready to. More than anything else, I just didn’t like this guy, we didn’t gel at all. He came across to me as cold, he was much older than me, a different class, a different generation, a different gender. I thought “what could this man possibly know about me and my life. There was never any connection between us and remembering it now, I remember how negative my body language was!

A while later I went back to counselling again and this time got on much better with the therapist, although it took a good eight months to really feel I could trust him. He was closer in age to me, warmer and I felt like he was more prepared to collaborate with me, I felt I had more agency. He ended up moving from one NHS service to another and took me with me, as we both felt it wasn’t time to end the relationship. That was really touching for me.

How does your current experience of counselling compare with your previous experiences?

In the past, I was embarrassed to say I was in counselling because of the stigma of it. Now I admit it openly, because of the value I now place on it, my happiness is too important to me and I really want to go to therapy, I really get so much out of it. That’s not to say it’s always easy or painless...it isn’t! I really feel I wouldn’t have got through last year without it. It’s most important thing I do for myself each week. I’m not prepared to compromise on that.

What changes has this current experience of counselling brought to your life?

Re-setting boundaries has been a really important change. I’ve learnt to acknowledge my needs and ask to have them met by the people in my life, rather than automatically putting other people’s needs ahead of my own and ending up feeling resentful. Counselling has also helped me to challenge the assumptions I hold about the world, it’s helped me look at things and say “oh, I see, there are other ways to interpret that” and that’s been really helpful.

I faced a really difficult life challenge nine months into this lot of counselling and once it had passed I realised I’d dealt with it completely differently. I knew I had gained the strength and the courage to handle it, to actually ask for help when I needed it, I wasn’t scared of allowing my feelings to ebb and flow. In the past I know I would have pushed them aside, pulled myself up by my boot straps and got on with it. In the past, I used to obsessively organise my life down to the last detail - that scene in the Julia Robert’s film Sleeping with the Enemy where all the tins in the kitchen face forward in neat rows...that was me! The world felt out of control so I had to control what I could...that’s fallen away now and I’m so grateful it has. I know now that the only person has the power over my happiness is me, I’m the only person responsible for my feelings and that’s such a liberating realisation!

Finally, you have to be open and honest in therapy if you want to get anything out of it, the natural by-product of that is that I’m more open and honest with myself outside the counselling room. I’m learning to stop dismissing my feelings and intuitions.

What are the qualities of your counsellor that you appreciate the most? Has he/she said or done anything that has really stayed with you?

The one thing that really jumps out is when he asked my permission to call me after an operation I had to see how it went and how I was recovering. He didn’t have to do that but I was so touched that he did. I’ve never doubted his genuine compassionate care for me and that means I feel I can totally trust him. He’s also told me that he really enjoys how we’re working together and that he’s learning a lot from it. That makes me feel he’s as committed as I am to counselling, it’s also made me appreciate his humanity...he’s not some distant know it all, he’s a human being like me who’s learning as much as I am in the counselling we’re doing together, and that’s pretty cool! Also, given that I came to therapy after the break-down of a relationship with a boyfriend, learning to trust someone, particularly a man, has been a huge part of what’s been helpful about counselling.

Book review...sort of

2010-01-10T09:19:00.001-08:00

I recently read what I thought was a great book, it's got a pretty full on title - How to Be an Existentialist or How to Get Real, Get a Grip and Stop Making Excuses by Gary Cox. Existential philosophy appeals to me in a big way, once I got my head around it and I regularly need to go back and get my head around it again!

Gary says this on the front of the book - Many people have the silly idea, gleaned from movies, adverts and glossy magazines, that life is perfectable. The idea that other people out there somewhere have achieved the perfect life. So, they feel dissatisfied with the life they have or even downright cheated out of a life they think they deserve but don't have, the life no one has. They yearn for a life of perfect happiness that is impossible, while failing to take control of the life they do have and make it more rewarding through decisive, realistic action. Existentialists are nihilists because they recognise that life is ultimately absurd and full of terrible, inescapable truths. They are anti-nihilists because they recognise that life in fact does have a meaning: the meaning each person chooses to give his or her own existence. They recognise that each person is free to create themselves and make something worthwhile of themselves by striving against life's difficulties.

Sounds a bit hard core, doesn't it. But it's a great book and I think this approach is spot on. Click here for a brief interview with Gary at The Philosophers Magazine.

5 Things Not to Worry About...My Perspective

2010-01-10T02:13:00.000-08:00

As I said in my previous post, I wanted to come back to this article I flagged up about what not to worry about in therapy.

The first, my therapist is judging me. The article is right, we usually have heard worse and as a group of people we tend to be pretty unshockable. For me personally, my experience is that we are usually the most harsh judges of ourselves. I know if I've messed up, let people down or done something I'm not proud of, it feels like no one is more disappointed in me than I am. So when I'm with clients, I keep that in mind and remember there's very little point in me throwing my hat in ring, chances are you as the client are doing the best job of judging yourself and it's not going to help any if I have a go! Judging clients also gets in the way of some far more important questions - why was what you did/said/didn't do/didn't say so bad? What assumptions are you (the client) holding about yourself and the world by judging yourself in this way...that's much more interesting and useful for both of us.

Sometimes you don't know what to say or talk about. That's certainly happened to me in front of my therapist! And the article is spot on - silence in therapy is normal, natural and nothing to worry about, although it can feel uncomfortable sometimes. However, as a therapist I'm always interested in what happens in all the other hours of my client's week that we're not together. Do things happen during the week where they think "I must bring this to therapy...I'd really like to explore why I got so upset" or do they just turn up to therapy without having thought about how they want to use the time. Do they carry my voice in their heads or am I only in their life when we're sitting opposite each other? How active a participant are you in your own therapy? For my part, in my own therapy I've oscillated between the two, sometimes I've wanted to forget about therapy until I got there, other times I've had a long hard think about what I wanted to get out of a session and other times, try as I might, my therapist's voice resonates around my head, challenging me on some point we've spoken about!

I'm not interesting enough - my therapist must be bored! - Again, the article is spot on, your job is not to entertain your therapist. Nor is it your therapist's job to entertain you. But therapy is about the relationship between the two of you (as I constantly go on about). So if either of you feels bored or annoyed or whatever, it's undoubtedly a reflection of the dynamic between the two of you. A therapist would never say "I'm finding you boring" (it's a judgment, it's not helpful and shows a stunning lack of personal insight), they would become aware of that feeling and explore it a bit, they would tentatively test it out with you, maybe saying something like: "I remember a month ago when we were talking about the problems you were experiencing with your boss there was a very different energy between us, I experienced your anger, your frustration and your deep desire that things be different...it doesn't feel like that right now and I'm wondering how you're experiencing this session today". To which you might respond "I've given up with my boss, everything just bores me at the moment"...now some useful stuff is coming up and being openly discussed...good therapy is happening!

Should I know how this works? Should I feel the changes as they take place? - No, therapy is not like popping a pill to get rid of a headache, it does take time and it may not seem like all that much is happening because often the changes are subtle and gradual. However, there's nothing wrong with regular review sessions with your therapist. You might want to contract at the beginning for a review session every 12 weeks, spending the beginning of the 13th session checking on what you've covered, what you've both noticed has changed, what hasn't and so on. It's your therapy, it's about you so don't be afraid to ask for some feedback.

My therapist watches the clock - actually, I have nothing to add to this one!

I tried...

2010-01-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

And got nothing! I thought I'd pose as a potential client for My Therapist Match and see what recommendations came through, sadly none! I'm sure this is because they're new and are in the process of recruiting therapists. At least I hope so, otherwise I'm untreatable...!

The process was straightforward and pretty quick, although I have no idea why they need to know if I'm a smoker and how much I weigh.

Any American therapists reading this blog...do check out the site and see if could be another string to your marketing bow, clients are trying to find you!

5 Things Not To Worry About In Therapy

2010-01-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

I've just stumbled across this and I don't have time to reflect further on these 5 points right now, I'll be back to them later.

Here's the link

Find your perfect match!

2010-01-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

How good is this!!!

I was invited to guest post on their blog and I jumped at the chance because I think this is such an amazing idea - find a therapist that's compatible with you, the way you process things, set goals (or not) etc, etc. I take my hat off to Casey and his co-founders for developing this idea and maybe, just maybe he'll let me plug his site a bit more by letting me interview him for this tiny, tiny corner of the web.

I'm going to spend some time poking around on the site to trial it out as I'm intensely curious. It would be great to bring it to the UK.

ACTION!!!

2010-01-02T09:12:00.001-08:00

A close friend gave me a book for Christmas which has a great quote in it - Action is momentary, the movement of a muscle, this way or that. Suffering is long, obscure and infinite. Consider this before you undertake or commit any action.

Why did I change when I went to therapy?

2009-12-30T04:37:00.000-08:00

I hope anyone reading this has had or is still having a good holiday...still got New Year's Eve to look forward to, although I'm looking forward to some more personal celebrations as lots of my friends have birthdays in Jan and Feb.

Anyway, back to matters therapeutic. I recently read about some research that I'd like to share about what clients say were the most important factors in their therapy. First cab off the rank was having a relationship with a wise, warm and competent professional. I've harped on about the importance of the relationship before, so I won't belabour the point again too much here!

The second theme identified was having a relationship with continuity, safety and hope when feeling inner discontinuity. One participant of this study, who had been hospitalised for long periods as a child, described periods in her therapy where the most important thing was not what the therapist did or said but that she was there. This point seems to me to also be about the importance of the relationship between client and therapist...again. Apparently I am labouring the point.

However, this theme does reflect the fact that most of the participants had been in long term therapy (not just my opinion, it's explicitly stated in the study), and that's something I ask people to consider when they ask me about what sort of therapy they should be looking into, or what might be right for them. I work in a number of different settings, one short term, offering clients 6 sessions and in most cases it brings a lot of stuff up to the surface and before you know it, the 6 sessions are up...no continuity and no safety. Creating continuity and safety takes time, it takes those moments when you test your therapist to see if you can still trust him/her, bit by bit. It's no wonder that people can leave therapy thinking it wasn't helpful at all.

The third theme identified in this study was having beliefs about oneself and one's world view corrected. This aspect forms a core part of most "brands" of therapy but usually if you're a client looking for a therapist what you're really concerned about is that someone can help you with what's bothering you right now. How your beliefs about yourself and your worldview are corrected will depend on the orientation of your therapist but something really simple I often attend is the language clients use - always, never, should, ought, but, because and so on. The first four are judgments ("I always do x, y and z" to which I usually respond "Really? Always?) and the latter change the direction of a sentence. Most of all, I'm interested when clients talk about themselves in general terms, they start describing what's going on for them using "you", for example; "when you're in this type of situation you can't help but feel angry". This sentence makes it sound like it's true for everyone...which it likely isn't so I encourage clients to say I instead of you. Small things like this can help clients challenge their world views in small but impactful ways...you can even try it out on yourself, just by paying attention to the language you use.

The final theme the study identified was the creation of new meaning and seeing new connections in life patterns. This is very true of the way I work with clients. We spend a lot of time together trying to identify what is most important to the client, what they most value in life, what they want their life to be about. Once we've defined some of those points, it's often the case that the client realises that she has been living in ways that fundamentally contradict what is most valued to them.

For example, a client might have been brought up believing that being a doctor or a lawyer is important, goes to university, law school, magic circle law firm and then discovers that he hates it there. He's become a lawyer for his parents, not for himself. In being encouraged to find new meaning, his own meaning and not anyone elses' (for only your own will do), he realises that what he values most is making the most of his creativity. Lawyers get a bad rap...we could reverse this situation...our hypothetical client could have been brought up by very creative parents who valued creativity, our client might actually want to pursue a career that's much more structured than the life of the artist. The point is once you've been encouraged to question some of the meanings you've ascribed to your life, you can chuck them out or own them for yourself and once you've done that, you can make decisions that you're at the heart of.

In the interest of proper crediting, the article I've talked about was published in Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, December 2009 by PE Binder et al.

This is controversial

2009-12-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in the unconscious. How's that for controversial, me being a therapist and all.

Let's recap - Freud gave us the idea/concept of the unconscious. He regarded it as a vast, submerged portion of the mind. In his mind, the unconcious comprised of the id, which accounts for the instinctual drives, acts as the motivating force for human behaviour and contains desires and wishes that the individual hides - or represses - from conscious recognition.

Let's pause there, because that part really doesn't make sense to me...how can you, at one stage in your life, know something consciously but then somehow move it or refile it to a place where you no longer know it or have access to it?

To Freud, cognitive conscious functions like thinking are performed by the ego (and a bit of superego, but most of the superego is in the unconscious bit...come on, keep up!). Conflict between conscious and uncscious processes are said to give rise to anxiety.

Pause again...eh? I mean...what? I'm mentally battling something I consciously know with something I unconsciously don't know and don't have access to but clearly some aspect of me does because otherwise I wouldn't be feeling anxious...have I got that right? Is it just me, or does all none of this make sense?

The unconscious mind can't be proved to exist. Freud's notion of it, anyway. I'm certainly not denying that the brain regularly gets on with loads of unconscious processing, you'd be mad to do that! However, the idea that it's a large resevoir of potentially harmful memories that impact our conscious behaviour even though we're unaware of them seems a bit far fetched to me.

Check out this link for a great look at how advances in neuroscience have given us a much better handle on how memory works, perception etc.

Is there an angel at my table?

2009-12-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

Short answer...no. I read this at the weekend. Seriously...has the world gone mad? Angels can assist with everything from getting a date, losing weight and even finding a parking spot. I'm slack jawed in horror. Aside from the fact the existence of angels is (currently, at least...let's remain skeptical about these things) impossible to prove with any degree of reliability, what is dangerous about believing in ideas like this is that it encourages you to stop taking responsibility for your life.

Your life is your responsibility. You have to choose. Always. All the time. You can never give up the responsibility of choice. Even if you decide not to choose, that's still a choice. So abdicating responsibility to angels (angels...angels that find you parking spaces!!!) is selling out. Yes, life is precarious, absurd and difficult and sometimes we feel out of control with regards to what's going on around us. Well guess what, some things are out of your control (like PARKING SPACES!) but you're always in control of your response to the situation, it's always your responsibility to choose. Putting faith in something outside of yourself and relying on that for guidance isn't about really living. To really live you have to accept that your life is your responsibility and it's up to you.

Engage with life, live it with urgency, don't retreat from it and leave it up to the angels. It's a cop out.

Fight better!

2009-11-24T08:29:00.001-08:00

Apparently I'm all about relationships at the moment...! I've spotted another interesting article which highlights how to argue better with you significant other. Apparently, couples who use anaylitical language when they argue fair better, so that means using words like "think", "understand", "because" or "reason". Well to be precise the article says that men fair better, women don't. The article is based on research that links language use and stress responses, a fascinating area of research that I'd like to take the time to learn more about, the language we use to talk about, well everything, always piques my interest.

You can read the article here.

If you're interested in learning better conflict resolution skills, I can recommend starting with Michael Rosenberg and the non-violent communication techniques he's developed. The principle is SO simple, it's easy to pick up (although, obviously its the practicing it that takes work!).

Couples counselling...? Not if you watch this!

2009-11-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

I got through the first "week" of In Treatment last night...great show, it gives as real an insight in what being in therapy is like as I've seen on the big or small screen ever. I must say, I don't currently work with couples and the session where the therapist is working with a couple who can't decide whether or not to keep their baby put me off ever wanting to! Claustrophobic is a word that sprang to mind when I cringed my way through that episode.

And speaking of couples counselling, I spotted this in the weekend papers...The whole IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) programme jars somewhat with me. A one-size fits all approach ie: CBT for everyone doesn't sit well with me and I'm also astonished at the amount of money going into this in terms of training when there are loads of underused therapists out there with sufficient and necessary training already...why not just recruit them???

Need some advice?

2009-11-17T13:20:00.000-08:00

Lots of people start counselling thinking they're going to be advised on what to do, what not to do, what do more of...less of etc.

Therapists and counsellors can help in lots of ways but the one thing we always stop short of is giving advice to clients. Why...? Well, let's think about a scenario familiar to most of us. You're chatting to a friend about a pressing issue, you really want to get it all off your chest, you've just got going, you're just beginning to open up and your friend cuts in and starts saying "EXACTLY the same thing happened to me! What you need to do is this..." Therapists don't do this, doing this makes you, the client/person who wants and needs to talk, feel unheard, diminished and silenced.

Therapists are usually operating on the assumption that they DON'T know what it's like to be you. Even if we've known you for a while, we're always checking our assumptions at the door and we're ready, willing and eager to learn something new about our clients. So if therapists are operating on the assumption that we don't know what it's like to be you (but we're always trying to find out!), how could we be so arrogant as to assume we know what advise would work for you? Therapy is also a place to feel heard, as with the friend example above, is therapists were to dish out advise and send you packing, I'm willing to bet you wouldn't feel listened to. You might feel like a project being worked, but you wouldn't feel heard.

So, if you want my advise...don't go into therapy expecting advise.

I'm back

2009-11-11T03:23:00.000-08:00

Back from a holiday, that is and will be posting up more soon. Lots happened while I was away, most shocking for me to learn about on my return was the shooting on an army base in Texas by a military shrink. I'm still trying to get up to speed on the story.

This is good

2009-10-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

I found this website today. It's very funny. Check it out.

When it pays to be picky

2009-10-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

The current debate about socialized health care in America is currently raging and while I’d implore all Americans to get behind it, it’s made me aware of a specific difference between healthcare provision there and here. The vast majority of Britain’s have absolutely no personal choice when comes to deciding who they see regarding their health care, be it physical or mental. So if you come for therapy on the NHS, you get who you get. But if you decide to go privately, you can and should shop around (remember, a lot of therapists have slots for low fee paying clients, do ask about this).

Let’s think about this in terms of the numbers – by far the most influential decider as to whether or not you’ll find therapy helpful is down to you. Do you want to go? Are you committed to change? Are you there because it’s what you want or is someone forcing you to go? A whopping 40% of a successful encounter with a therapist is down to you, the client, and is completely beyond the ability of the therapist to influence. It doesn’t matter how many brilliant, sparkling observations I make or how oozingly empathic I am, all of that will count for nothing if you profoundly don’t want to be there.

The second most important factor in a successful block of therapy (block? There has to be a better noun than that…!? Anyway) is down to the relationship that develops between you and the therapist. My first ever therapist, Dr Sara Dryburgh puts it this way : “Therapy is fundamentally about a relationship with the therapist. Qualifications, training, theoretical knowledge and mastery of specific techniques are of course essential, but not sufficient in themselves. The essential thing which makes therapy effective is the quality of the relationship that you form with the therapist”.

If you don’t like your therapist, look for another one. End of story. I can’t stress enough how important this is, imagine opening up and revealing the most secret things about yourself, remember how you felt the last time you had a good cry, think about coming face to face with the things that really matter to you. Now think about doing all of that in front of someone you don’t really like. See what I mean? So shop around, be fussy, think about whether or not you’d like to see a male or female therapist, even if all you can afford to pay is £10 per week, therapy is a major commitment in terms of time and emotional energy. You owe it to yourself to pick someone who you feel can accompany you on that adventure.

What emotion is like a rocking chair?

2009-10-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

Guilt. Like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Actually, I've altered that quote from the original which is "anxiety is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere" and it's from a very silly movie called Van Wilder: Party Liaison. In fact I agree with both, and I am clearly over-simplifying the issue but for me guilt is such a wasted emotion.

For starters, guilt often isn't a surprise emotion that sneaks up on you, I've found you usually have some awareness of the things that make you feel guilty. Which begs the question...why are you still doing/not doing whatever it is that makes you feel guilty?

Feeling guilty about something is often preceeded by one these two words - should or ought. "I should tidy up", "I ought to call my mum" followed by "but I can't be bothered" which leads to "now I feel guilty".

Should and ought (let's call them ought-isms) imply you don't have choice in the matter, when of course, you always have a choice. So don't tidy up and don't call your mum but make a firm choice in the matter and get rid of that guilty feeling.

That's not to say that you have free reign to neglect your responsibilities to others...flatmates/boyfriends/girlfriends/partners get annoyed if you don't tidy up and mum's like to hear from their kids, so acknowledge you need to do those things and make a promise to do them when it suits you better. How about this statement - "I need to call my mum, but right now I'm tired and grumpy and I know I'll end up bickering with her. I will call her tomorrow after a good night's sleep".

2009-10-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

As a follow up to my post about boundaries, I spotted this today. Useful-ish advise, although I personally don't find that many of these tips particularly empowering. Actually learning to say "no" in an assertive way is an important part of setting and maintaining boundaries.

Ignoring people, smiling and nodding, literally not being there isn't actually saying no. How about experimenting with saying no on some smaller things, see who you go and then once you realise the consequences aren't as bad as you thought they were, you'll have a bit more courage to start saying no on some bigger things. Trying "no...but" can also work well. A friend asks "are you free for a drink this evening" during a crazy week where you've been non-stop and really a night to yourself, try saying "no, not tonight but how about next Tuesday". It can help with that most pointless of feelings - guilt. But more on that one later!

Boundaries? What are they good for?

2009-10-19T06:21:00.000-07:00

Healthy boundaries. What does that mean? Well first let’s take a look at what unhealthy boundaries are and how people violate them

• Trusting no one - trusting anyone - black and white thinking
• Telling all
• Talking at intimate level on first meeting
• Falling in love with a new acquaintance
• Falling in love with anyone who reaches out
• Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied
• Acting on first sexual impulse
• Being sexual for partner, not self
• Going against personal values or rights to please others
• Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
• Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries
• Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want or aren’t comfortable with
• Touching a person without asking
• Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting
• Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving
• Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you
• Letting others direct your life
• Letting others describe your reality
• Letting others define you
• Believing others can anticipate your needs
• Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
• Falling apart so someone will take care of you
• Self abuse
• Sexual and physical abuse
• Food abuse

It seems to me that our society doesn't really support healthy boundaries. This is reflected particularly in popular culture, here are a few examples:

*Saying "no" might hurt someone's feelings (so you need to take care of their needs rather than your own)
*TV and Film don't model healthy boundaries – unhealthy boundaries seem to make for better plot lines…Grey’s Anatomy anyone?
*People who have firm (not rigid) boundaries are often tagged as mean, bitchy or needy - particularly women.
*Sexuality is often portrayed as a manipulative tool to get what you want as opposed to a loving expression between two adults

Healthy boundaries are about knowing where you end and the other persons begins and respecting that. It also means assertive communication. It isn’t needy to ask to have your need met in a clear, straightforward way. Everyone has needs, that doesn’t make you needy. What makes you needy is how you communicate. Hinting at what you’d like and then sulking when you don’t get it is not a way to assertively communicate your boundaries!

Running on fumes

2009-10-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last week I got the chance to be part of a focus group looking at the effects that cold sores have on sufferers. I was there to provide a mental health angle on the discussions and something that came up in all three of the groups that were sharing their experiences on cold sores was that what immediately preceeded the outbreak was a period of intense stress. Some group members said they knew the cold sores where a sign that they need to slow down, take a break and start making a real effort to look after themselves.

That got me thinking about the clues our bodies give us that we need to slow down. I don't know about you, but I frequently ignore the signs my body is giving me that I need to chill out and I've come across both friends and clients for whom the same is true. At some point, our bodies will just hit the over-ride button, as if to say "you're not in control of this operation any more and we're shutting it down!". Cue a bout of flu that has you bed ridden for a week or worse, a trip to the hospital.

We aren't floating heads that happen to have a life support system underneath us. Our heads (by that I mean our inner world of day dreams, big ideas, everyday worries, major stresses etc) and our bodies are connected, they work symbiotically. We do need to tune in to what our bodies are telling us and then take action, largely because our bodies can't do two things at once. I'm referring to the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems in our bodies. The former controls things that need to happen quickly - the fight or flight/stress response and the latter, things that take more time - digestion all the way through to sexual activity. Our bodies can't power both systems to run at full capacity at the same time.

So, if you're stressed a lot of the time, your body simply doesn't have the spare power to do things like fight off infections, digest meals properly, support active sex life...see where I'm going with this? Listen to your body, do what it's telling you. It evolved that way!

The suicide capital of the world

2009-10-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

Where is it? I'm sure the more astute among you will have already guessed it's a northern hemisphere country, and it's Greenland according to this article here.

It's the world's largest island but the least populated. Very sadly, those most at risk are teenagers and young people, opportunties for the future of Greenland's youngsters seem limited and perhaps that leads them to think that their only way out is to take their own lives. Something about that sounds familiar to me...rising unemployment, fewer jobs, a huge number of recent graduates with no jobs to progress into...that's all happening here in the UK. This is seems to be high on the politicians' agendas at the moment, but in the short term I think there's a lot that could be done to bolster our teenagers' and young peoples' self esteem and sense of self worth.

Style over substance...

2009-10-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

First up, a confession...my Sunday morning guilty pleasure is slumping on the sofa with a copy of the Style section of the Sunday Times. I flip through ooohhhing and aaahhhhing at the nice clothes and then I start to race toward Sally Brampton's Agony Aunt column. I think she gives great advice. This past weekend she wrote a great piece about finding a therapist, something that's a major bugbear of mine which I'll be posting about regularly. You find the piece here:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/mental_health/article6863131.ece